"Hate your neighbor as you hate yourself."

As I looked into his big blue, tearful eyes, I knew I would never forget that moment. His distraught expression was one I had seen many times, but this was the first time I had seen it on a child.

The week before, Bentley had delivered a handwritten apology after he lost his temper and kicked a hole in the wall of his bedroom. Honestly, he was such a thin, wiry boy, it was hard to imagine he had the strength to do such a thing. But apparently, he could become strong as an ox if his temper got out of control.

That’s exactly what had happened, which resulted in the damage to the wall. When we picked apart the incident, it was a series of disappointments and frustrations that created the perfect storm for a child like Bentley. So, it was no wonder he spiraled out of control so quickly.

But even though Bentley’s apology note was sincere when he wrote it, he repeated the same thing only a few days later. And here he was in my office again with another apology. 

The look in his eyes, as he stared into my own, was packed full of emotions. His expression screamed a desperate, “Why do I do this?!” He was genuinely sorry for what he had done. I could see his pain. But I could also see the shame, disappointment in his own actions, and hopelessness that whatever caused him to act like this might never go away. For the first time I found myself telling a child what I tell our moms all the time. “The way you feel today is temporary. I promise you won’t feel this way the rest of your life.”

In that moment, I had a brief vision of Bentley as an adult, perhaps delivering a similar apology to a future spouse after an angry outburst. I felt an urgency to stop the madness before he became a man, and we had a priceless opportunity to do so.

You see, like many of the children we serve, Bentley had experienced heartache, tremendous loss, rejection, and profound trauma that for some, could stretch an entire lifetime. But for him, they were packed into only a few short years leaving him older than his age.  

One time, when we invited local police officers to visit our campus, they taught our kids how to use 911 in the case of an emergency. I wondered if they were prepared for Bentley’s immediate response: “I called 911 when my baby sister died!” He was barely old enough to understand how to use a phone when that tragic incident happened. It was probably that very day that Bentley felt the need to become a man – way before his time. No wonder he was angry. And no wonder it was so difficult for him to get that serious, intense look off his face and just be a kid. 

You would think after all these years I would no longer have “Ah-Ha” moments. But I had one recently that beautifully sums up everything we do at Blue Monarch.

In the Bible, Jesus talks about the greatest commandment, which is to love God more than anyone or anything, and to always put him first. Well, that one sentence wraps up why some of our graduates are successful while others struggle. The ones who put him at the very center of every decision, every relationship, and every action become absolute rock stars, and they struggle less than the ones who don't make God a priority. They experience blessings and opportunities that are remarkable and sometimes even surprising.

But Jesus also said the second commandment was just as important - to love others as we love ourselves. And there it is. 

The women – and the children we serve, don’t love themselves so, it’s very difficult to love anyone else. How can a woman love her child when she doesn’t even love herself? And how can a child love his mom or others if he doesn’t love himself? After all, “Love your neighbor as yourself” isn’t a good thing if you hate yourself. It becomes “Hate your neighbor as yourself,” which explains a lot.

We strive to teach the Bentleys of Blue Monarch they are worthy of love, not just from others, but from themselves as well. Through time, patience, and intentional therapy, we walk alongside each child as he discovers who he is, what he loves and enjoys, and that he can even like himself.  

And we teach the moms to forgive themselves, (after all, God has forgiven them), and to love themselves, too. It’s exciting to see a woman gradually discover who she really is – unique and beautiful. She begins to fall in love with the face in the mirror as if she is looking at herself for the very first time. 

As it states in the Bible, if we get these two commandments right, the others will naturally fall into place. And that is exactly what we see at Blue Monarch. Putting God at the center grounds and protects every decision. Then, “Love your neighbor as yourself” becomes the piece that is so powerful, it literally changes the next generation. And with time, I believe in my heart it will change Bentley's  family as well.

 

Jesus replied, " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. The second, most important is similar: 'Love your neighbor as much as you love yourself.' All the other commandments and all the demands of the prophets stem from these two laws and are fulfilled if you obey them. Keep only these and you will find that you are obeying all the others." Matthew 22:37-40

"Muffin's dead!"

When I lived on my horse farm, I had a kind, young neighbor, Jeff, who was great at teaching me everything I needed to know: how to run my John Deere tractor, how to bush hog back and forth in rows rather than a circle, how to cut, rake, and get up hay, and most of all, how to jump ditches on a four-wheeler in the dark. He was a terrific neighbor and friend.

One afternoon my daughter and I drove home from school and discovered our dog, Muffin, had been killed on the highway in front of our farm. We were devastated.  Muffin was a small, black and white, sweet dog, and of course a stray. With tears streaming down our faces, I carefully loaded Muffin into the trunk of my car, checking for any sign of life, and headed over to Jeff’s house to see if he would help me dig a hole to bury her. I was never good at digging a hole, even if I jumped up and down on the shovel.  

Jeff had never seen me so emotional, and he looked alarmed, “What’s wrong?  What happened?”  

“Muffin’s dead!” I blubbered out.

After an awkward pause, Jeff asked with great concern, “What can I do?”

“I need you to help me bury her,” I replied. He looked a little surprised and hesitant, but willing.

Jeff immediately began gathering up the necessary tools and followed us back to our place. “Where do you want to do this?” he asked.

“Oh, I guess under that big tree behind the barn.” Jeff gave me a funny look but unloaded the tools from the back of his truck.

Jeff began digging the biggest hole you have ever seen. He kept digging and digging, insisting that it was important to get deep enough. Quite frankly, I felt it was a little overkill, but he usually knew best about such things. I assumed the excessive hole was to keep varmints from digging up our precious Muffin, which would be traumatic. I appreciated he was looking out for us.  

Finally, out of breath and soaking in sweat, Jeff carefully laid down the shovel and said, “Okay, where is she?”

“In the trunk of my car.”  

“In the trunk of your car?!” He seemed alarmed. Very cautiously, Jeff walked over to the car while I lifted open the trunk.

“That’s Muffin!” Jeff said. He seemed shocked.

“Well, yeah. I told you, Muffin’s dead.”

“I thought you said, muh friend's dead!”

No wonder the hole was so big. Needless to say, we got a good laugh, and it certainly lightened up a very sad moment. I immediately filed his name away as the world’s greatest friend and neighbor.

But in looking back, I cannot imagine what was going through his mind as he dug that enormous hole. Was he planning to report an unlawful burial later? Did he wonder how my friend died? Was he going to pretend it never happened? Perhaps he trusted me so much, he saw no need to question the details.  

The Blue Monarch journey is a very long process that requires major changes in thinking patterns and behavior. An area that is always challenging is the true meaning of healthy friendships. There is often a very distorted perspective on what that really means. What may seem like loyalty is in fact, complicity. Control is misinterpreted as respect. Accountability feels like snitching. These are very difficult concepts to reverse - especially when they have been developed over multiple generations.  

For instance, here is one that I will never understand. Apparently, it is often considered a code of honor to take the rap and serve jail time for someone else’s crime to protect a friend. This “selfless act” somehow earns a place of great respect and moves one up the totem pole of ethics in a way that makes little sense to most of us. It somehow gets confused with “taking a bullet to save another’s life” when it really isn’t the same thing at all. Why would I pay the price for someone else’s mistake - especially when it jeopardizes my own family? Why would I carry that secret to my grave? Remarkably, this scenario is one that is oddly, quite common.

However, from what I can tell, this demonstration of twisted loyalty comes with a pretty high price as well. The one who was protected is naturally indebted to the one who paid his or her debt to society, whether it’s intentional or not. It creates significant control with unclear closure. What does it take to pay off that debt? Can it be paid?

Addiction can cloud all kinds of good judgement. It may cause mothers to risk the well-being and safety of their children by putting unhealthy friendships and relationships first. Sadly, there are a boatload of reasons for this. Many times, she is trying to fill a big hole in her heart by hanging onto a bad relationship, or perhaps the friendship provides something she’s convinced she cannot live without. Meanwhile, the child can get lost in the shuffle.

The wheel of recovery has many spokes, and this is one that is often overlooked. If a mother leaves Blue Monarch and has not developed better discernment in the friends she chooses, and has not learned to put her kids first, she will likely end up right back where she started and her children will suffer as collateral damage.   

We have regular family meetings and encourage the women we serve to hold each other accountable and bring to light any actions or attitudes that might hinder one’s recovery or the recovery of the group. We also remind them, when someone breaks a rule or refuses to do her chores, the person who keeps this to herself will be held just as accountable as the one at fault. This shift in perspective can take a long time to grasp, and even appears to be physically painful for some, because “snitching” has been considered such a hideous, despicable act, regardless of the circumstances or consequences. We explain that a good friend will hold others to a higher standard. Letting a friend slack is not helping her.  

It takes time and a lot of hard work to shift from “no way, I’ll never tell” to “you are not going to get in the way of my recovery or jeopardize my child’s safety - no matter what.” When we hear a mother stand up for her family at the risk of a friendship, our staff members exchange glances as if to say, “Yay! Another one has crossed over!” 

It’s an exciting moment because it means the mother, who had her priorities confused when she got here, has become a protective mom who will put her child first, no matter what. That’s when her family will begin to change in ways they never imagined - and oddly enough, that is when her friendships will get stronger and healthier as well.  

Whew! One more spoke in that wheel. Check.  

"It should not be a secret!"

When I had my cafe, there was a cook for a while who was a little on the cranky side. For instance, I designed a new menu and listed the ingredients in the chicken salad because customers always wanted to know what was in it. “Is it mayonnaise or vinegar based? Does it have nuts?” This cook had a fit when she saw what I had done. “You shouldn’t tell people what’s in the chicken salad! It should be a secret!” 

“How can it be a secret when you can SEE the ingredients for yourself?” After all, the red seedless grapes were right there in front of you. She still insisted I had shamelessly revealed a sacred secret to the world.

I sometimes feel there are secret ingredients in the work we do serving women and their children, things that may not be visible to the naked eye. Naturally, we are dealing with addiction, abuse, poverty, homelessness, the list could go on and on. Those things are obvious. But the average person probably doesn’t realize we also deal with lots of over-sensitivity with our children. In fact, I would say the intense sensory issues have worsened through the years and have become almost predictable.

For instance, we have lots of kids who can’t stand the feel of grass on their bare feet. No, it isn’t because they were raised on concrete in the city. They truly cannot stand the sensation of grass touching their skin – something most of us love. It causes them to cry and scream as if they are in excruciating pain.

We recently had a little girl who was the most fun loving, carefree, outgoing child, but she could not tolerate raindrops on her skin. She would scream hysterically if she got caught in the rain. Can you imagine a mom trying to navigate the weather to avoid a meltdown? 

Then there are the children who have severe problems with the different textures of food. (Tell me that isn’t a nightmare trying to manage community meals...) 

There has also been a tremendous increase in the children we see who have been diagnosed with autism, and there are lots of theories as to why. But two specific boys immediately come to mind. 

Nathan was a sweet boy who was autistic, and he absolutely loved to roll down the hill outside my office. He would flip and tumble until he was almost out of sight and I captured it on video every chance I got. We believe he thrived on the intensity of all his senses being stretched at the same time. 

But get this. A few years after Nathan left Blue Monarch with his family, I looked out my window one day and saw another boy rolling down the hill just like Nathan. He had just moved in that day with his mom. I yelled to the next office and said, “Hey y’all, come in here and look! That little boy is tumbling down the hill exactly like Nathan. He’s the only other child who has ever done that.”

Well, if you can believe this, just two hours later I learned that both boys had the same biological father but different moms. We might assume their father taught them to roll down a hill. But that was definitely not the case with this dad. Surprisingly, this boy had also been diagnosed with autism, just like Nathan. (Sounds like good material for a thesis to me.)

Years ago, there was a sweet little boy in a wheelchair, who had severe disabilities and was non-verbal, so he wasn’t able to tell us what was upsetting him. Adam struggled with different issues periodically, but this particular phase was extremely difficult. Going from one environment to another made him scream, sometimes up to forty-five minutes at a time. For instance, going from a dark car at night to a brightly lit gas station. Or simply going from a room with a low ceiling to one with a high ceiling. As you might imagine, this was extremely hard on the mom as well because it was so hard to understand or avoid.

Children with the same sensitivity, who can articulate how they feel, describe a sensation of falling when going from one space to another. But how could we keep this boy in one space forever?

I went to bed one night with this issue really heavy on my heart. It tore me up to see sweet Adam suffering so much and it hurt just as much to see the mom struggling to help him when nothing seemed to make a difference. Adam was scheduled for an upcoming surgery, and I couldn’t imagine what they would go through as he transitioned from one room to another during all those hospital visits, which would begin in a couple of days.

So, that night before I went to sleep, I earnestly prayed to God for a solution. “Please, Lord, give us some idea how to help this child!”

That night I had a short but powerful dream. In the dream, God told me, “Put a ball cap on Adam’s head. That way his ceiling will never change.”

When I woke up, I couldn’t wait to tell this mom what God had shared with me. We both laughed as if it was a crazy idea, but hey, I was determined to at least give it a try. 

Later that day I shopped around until I found a child sized ball cap. The next day Adam wore the ball cap to his appointment at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital and let me tell you how it went:

During the transition from the familiar van to the dark parking garage, to the open breezeway, to the tight elevator, to the crowded waiting room, to the bright exam room, to the dimly lit x-ray room...not a peep. Adam did not cry one time. It was a miracle!

This incident proved to me that God is truly in the details. He, too, was concerned about Adam and showed me how to help him. In a similar way, I believe God shows us how to help the other children who come to Blue Monarch with profound sensory issues and needs. It’s as if they show up with their brain waves sparking like an electrical wire in water. But with time, as the mom becomes more consistent, and the child’s routine becomes more predictable, the world becomes a safer place, and we see these symptoms improve or even disappear in some cases. It’s as if each child puts on a divine, virtual ball cap that blocks out the chaos and confusion – as it did for Adam.

Some of the issues we face at Blue Monarch may not be visible to everyone, but through the supernatural healing power of God, and his direction through ordinary people, we see tremendous healing take place. And that should never, ever be kept a secret because it brings great hope - for all of us.

Lord, thank you for always being in the details. May we never forget to seek you for answers. Amen

"You're getting colder...now warmer..."

One might say I totally overreacted to the empty nest syndrome. In fact, my husband used to say that when my only child left for college, I went out and got fifty more. The timing was interesting, I suppose, but perhaps God knew I would never give Blue Monarch my total attention if the apple of my eye was still living under my roof.

This past week I realized I was going through the empty nest thing again. Three of our graduates had completed our extended WINGS program and were stepping out on their own. I had become comfortable knowing they were just down the hill and that they would occasionally pass through with their kids after work or school. But no longer. They were spreading their wings and moving on to the next chapter in their lives. And while I realized that was the goal, which we were all striving for, it still tugged at my heart to see them leave. “Geez, can’t you stay a little longer?” 

Completing this phase of our entire recovery journey is equivalent to earning a Blue Monarch doctorate degree. The work it takes to reach this point is not for the faint of heart. As I often say, “Blue Monarch is not for sissies.” The WINGS transitional program for graduates, which began in 2016, has become surprisingly successful, even to those of us who developed it. In fact, this extended year-long graduate program has a staggering 100% success rate, which is almost unheard of in the recovery community. (This statistic includes only those who complete the entire graduate program, evaluated a year beyond completion.)

I can’t help but think back to where Kayla, Mallory, and Lateisha were when they walked through our doors the very first time several years ago. As with all our families, it’s as if they walk in carrying an enormous duffle bag on their backs. The tremendous weight is nearly unbearable and as soon as they cross our threshold, the bag flops onto the floor and all sorts of ugly things roll out: shame, guilt, addiction, abuse, woundedness, unforgiveness, hate, resentment, lack of trust, and even rage. Sometimes the bag vomits the contents all at one time, other times they trickle out over the weeks and months ahead. 

I recently stumbled upon a Youtube video of a child trying to hit a pinata. The girl was blindfolded but her mom would occasionally place her hands on her daughter’s shoulders and gently guide her right or left to keep her on track. It struck me how similar this was to our relationship with these three about to venture out on their own. "You're getting colder...now warmer..."

My word, there were all the times when Kayla looked us in the eyes with great conviction and declared she was making a good, solid decision, when we all knew she was drifting off track. “Move to the right, Kayla, you’re getting colder...colder.” Fortunately, she always came back around by using two of her greatest strengths, her strong faith and her willingness to remain teachable. 

Then, reflecting on Mallory’s journey is almost too much for my heart. In fact, her story is included in my book, From My Front Row Seat, because it was one of my most profound Blue Monarch experiences. We should have renamed her Lazarus because she had so many near-death events – times when she really should have been discharged, but God made it overwhelmingly clear to me, even through a supernatural vision, that she needed to stay. “Turn around, Mallory, you need to turn completely around. Reach for the target until you can feel it.” Turns out he was right because she did turn completely around and her recovery story is remarkable.

And Lateisha, I can’t help but imagine myself saying, “Hit it harder, Lateisha! Be fierce! Show some passion!” Lateisha always had such great potential and had actually completed more education than the majority of the women we serve, but it was sometimes a struggle to get her motivated about her own future. I often felt we were more excited than she was. In my work ethics class, I discourage them from using terms that are overused, such as “determined,” but in Lateisha’s case, it’s hard to find an appropriate substitute. She has proven to be deeply determined and has quietly and steadily risen to the top.

So, as I sit back and admire these families moving on, this is what I see:

·      Kayla adores being a mom, has a thriving cleaning business that supports her family while she is attending college to become a history teacher, and shares her love for Jesus with everyone she can.  

·      Mallory overcame some earlier struggles with her son and they now have a bond that is undeniable! She loves her job as a medical assistant and her radiant smile lights up the room. No longer does she struggle with her sobriety because she has finally found the true meaning of freedom and carries it with confidence.

·      Lateisha continued to further her education, received her associate’s degree, also became a medical assistant, and was immediately offered a good paying job. She and her daughter are enjoying life together – with a passion that actually shows on their faces.

In other words, the nasty bags they carried in have been thrown away along with all their ugly contents. And now, with great strength and intensity, they get to strike at the pinata full of unexpected blessings, and be showered with good things they have earned through hard work, lots of time, many tears, and tremendous perseverance. That's not to say they won't face normal hardships from time to time. But this time they will have the tools they need to prevent those challenges from spiraling out of control. "Hit it hard! You've got this!" 

As for our empty nests, well, I realize they are never truly empty. There will always be the next one to grab by the shoulders and gently guide one way or the other. And once again, with time, we'll get to remove the blindfolds to reveal the goodies that burst out of the pinata. I look forward to it every single time because it's usually surprising, occasionally mind-blowing - but always beautiful.

Lord, thank you for the amazing privilege to walk alongside the women and children we serve. Please keep them in the palm of your hand as they face new challenges, opportunities, and decisions. Amen

Click here to read the earlier blog post about Mallory, which is included in my book, From My Front Row Seat:  http://susanatblue.blogspot.com/2022/05/the-unexpected-detour.html

"Where does it hurt?"

I call it Blue Monarch Whiplash: “I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m glad. I’m mad.”All of these can happen within just minutes of one another.

Our amazing on-site, on-call staff members, who bear the load of our entire community on the weekends and holidays, send the rest of us a report on Sunday evenings to give a heads up about what we’re walking into Monday morning. I often think of it as a message from the trenches. (Can you imagine being solely responsible for so many women and children, just ready to jump in the case of an emergency? I admire and appreciate them so much!) 

A recent weekend report was such a great example of the vast range of issues, problems to solve, and raw Blue Monarch life:

• Courtney had to go to her room because Creedence was throwing up.
• All the moms stayed under budget at the grocery store. Yay!
• Three of the kids got into a fight in the kitchen - check the cameras at 2:54 on Saturday. Tricia, you may want to follow up with the moms on how they handled it.
• Nesha is doing great with her one-on-one time with Zeke - she's so sweet with him!
• Hayli's dad didn't answer when we called him on her birthday.
• Lateisha was late getting back from pass because her cousin was shot and killed.

We are accustomed to the constant ups and downs, but this was really intensified recently when we experienced the best and the worst within just a few days.

It was a Monday evening, and I was chopping onions in my kitchen. Deanna called and I assumed she was calling with details about an upcoming graduation. But she said one of our former graduates had been in a terrible car accident and she was okay, but her six-year-old son had been killed. 

I immediately had flashbacks to a photo of Grayson holding two of our blue chicken eggs after gathering them with some of the other kids. He was always such a blur when I saw him because he was usually running to the next adventure and rarely sitting still. His mom had graduated from our program nine months earlier, and they had lived in our WINGS graduate community for just a short time after. Life had not been easy for her since they left, but we had stayed in touch and would occasionally see her at church or daycare.

Curiously, I continued methodically chopping onions through tears as I heard more of the details over the phone. I suppose I needed to do something normal because the moment was so abnormal.

I shoved everything across the counter, shut off the stove, and asked my husband to put everything away so I could quickly grab my things and go to the mom. There were so many questions, and I knew this incident would end up in my “Why, Lord?” file, which was already pretty thick. 

The accident had taken place on the interstate and diverted traffic was bumper to bumper for miles on the highway. It struck me how many people could be affected when there was a tragedy like this. Schedules delayed, appointments missed, but nothing compares to the loss of a child. 

Deanna rushed to the scene of the accident and picked up Savannah. I begged her to avoid seeing Grayson. Many years ago, I found a little girl on the side of the road who had just been killed and I knew what it took to recover from such a vivid memory. Time is only a part of that recovery recipe.

We decided to meet at a nearby truck stop and by the time I got there, Jeannie and Tricia were also there, looking a little stunned, with tears in their eyes. This heartbroken mom was in the back seat of Deanna’s car, jeans dirty and stained with blood, her feet scratched and bare. I grabbed her around the neck and we both cried like babies. When she caught her breath, I held her face in my hands and looked into her eyes at the pain for which there are no words, a picture I will never forget. “I am so sorry” seemed ridiculously inadequate for what she had just been through - every parent’s worst nightmare.

Savannah kept saying, “I can’t stop seeing him in my head. I can’t stop seeing him.” And when she described in graphic detail what that meant, I had to wonder how she would ever forget that image. I felt sure I would never forget hearing it. She described how onlookers stood around watching as she held her son and I could only imagine the trauma they had experienced as well. Apparently, a kind man offered to help, and she asked him to get her phone out of the car. He brought it to her still playing worship music, which probably seemed completely out of place in the midst of such a horrific scene.

We decided to take Savannah to the hospital to make sure she was okay, and she agreed. Over the next few hours, she was repeatedly asked by everyone who entered the room, “Where does it hurt?” I wanted to scream, “It hurts all over, okay! It hurts all over!” But after two hours in a neck brace waiting on results from an x-ray, she was released with a few Band-Aids to continue her life as if everything was back to normal.

Naturally, we needed to help Savannah navigate the days ahead. But I was also concerned about the mothers and children at Blue Monarch who knew this family well. My word, how would we tell them? And how would our staff function with such broken hearts?

The next day we asked a couple of therapists to help us process this tragedy with our moms and also our kids. I can honestly say, in twenty-one years, nothing has impacted our entire community like the loss of this child. Each mother was devastated, even the ones who didn’t know Savannah at all. And the kids’ reactions were just as intense. 

The therapists invited our kids to express how they felt, and they were assured those feelings and responses were normal, (even though they were across the board - everything from intense anger to uncontrollable giggles that quickly turned into uncontrollable tears.) And their reactions switched places as if they were all taking turns with each emotion and some of their questions were quite profound. All the kids who knew Grayson well said they wanted to attend his funeral, which surprised me.

Realizing that Savannah didn’t get up that morning knowing she would lose her son, I was afraid every mom in the room would live in fear over the same thing. And I was concerned every child would think he or she could die in a car accident, too. Sure enough, those thoughts were going through their heads, and it was good to have the professionals talk it through with them.

So, over the next week we prepared for a Blue Monarch graduation while we also prepared for a six-year-old’s funeral. Blue Monarch Whiplash on steroids.

We were determined to find the strength to celebrate the amazing achievements of Hadassah, Courtney, and Cheyenne, despite our broken hearts, and I believe we did so. It was one of the best graduations we have ever had. Perhaps what we had just experienced intensified the significance of their accomplishments and our need for something positive.

The very next day we celebrated Grayson, whose life was too short. His Blue Monarch buddies marched up to the casket one by one and delivered drawings they had done for him, and some of his friends from school came to pay their respects as well. He was honored in a beautiful way that touched the hearts of every person in the room and his mom found the strength to deliver some sweet words about her son as well. Can’t imagine what it took for her to do that.  

Naturally, this tremendous loss will challenge Savannah’s recovery like nothing else. As Pastor Kevin said, “It will make you bitter – or it will make you better.” We pray this painful tragedy becomes the defining moment that completely changes Savannah’s life, and the lives of her other two children, and if she leans on God for strength, it will make her better. I feel sure that’s what Grayson would want.

So, I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m glad, I’m mad. But most of all, I’m grateful for my Blue Monarch family as we live through every mountaintop and valley together. After all, that’s what family is all about.

Joshua 24:15 sums it up pretty well. “But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” And may I add, "even when it hurts all over."

*****

Lord, please let this rock bottom moment bring life-changing healing for this family. Amen

"Clyde, where are you?" Love, Bonnie

We have a new routine at Blue Monarch that I wish I had thought of years ago. Once a month we have Sofa Time with Susan, when our residents get to ask me anything they want. Of course, I reserve the right to refuse to answer, which has only happened once or twice, but for the most part, I am intrigued and impressed by their questions. Some are surprising, a few have been a little embarrassing, but many are profound. My favorite was from Christy, who had just moved in. Her question was reasonable: "Who are you?" It's a fun time together with lots of laughs where we get to know each other better as I pull their questions, one by one, out of a hand-painted gourd.

Let me take you through some of the questions I have been asked lately, starting with the one I hear the most. Some are from our graduate, Kayla, who was working on a speech for one of her college classes.

“What is the most common reason women fail?” 

·      That’s an easy one. It’s toxic men. (Although, I don’t like the word, “fail,” because it sounds so permanent, but they definitely struggle.) Some of the worst mistakes I have watched have been related to impulsive decisions regarding an unhealthy man.  

“Why do you think this happens?”

·      The relationship is often built on a fantasy, not on truth or reality. It is what she wants to have in a relationship, not what she can realistically expect given the track record she knows in her heart to be true.

·      Even when a woman won’t admit it, she is often convinced he will change with time, even though there is absolutely nothing to back that up.

·      Women often believe having a child together will bond them for life – when in fact, I rarely see that bond last as anything more than a legal obligation, not an emotional one.

 

“What do you think is at the core of this problem?”
 

·      Many women believe they are not complete without a man. This is tragic and completely false, and it causes them to make desperate and irrational decisions. I call this the Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome. The woman will sometimes drop everything as if someone has yelled, “FIRE!” leaving behind sentimental items (even family heirlooms), important legal documents, her child’s favorite belongings, and even money, just to run to a man who has given her the slightest attention. As if she has blinders on, she knows she’s making poor decisions but goes anyway because she’s convinced if she’s with Clyde, all the pieces will magically fall into place. What I have seen is that Clyde will most likely disappear from the picture in a very short period of time, leaving Bonnie clueless how to pick up the pieces. And by then, she has probably done too much damage to pick up where she left off, and she may even land in jail or lose custody of her children, taking giant steps backward in her plan for a new life.

 
“If you could name one of the scariest traits in a toxic relationship, what would it be and why?”
 

·      With time, the woman’s confidence grows weaker and weaker until it’s totally gone. Then it is even harder to restore. And what she doesn’t realize, is that her lack of confidence actually makes her less attractive to him, which only compounds the abuse.

·      One thing I believe is especially tragic, is that the women teach their daughters to settle for less, to expect less, and to tolerate abusive behavior. This does nothing but create another abusive relationship down the road – it becomes familiar to the child. But this also applies to the son. He learns that women are not to be treated with respect and he will look for women in the future who will take the same abuse. In fact, we often find ourselves teaching little boys to not use violence toward their mothers because they have already learned this is acceptable behavior. Many women say they stay with an abusive man “for the sake of the children” but they don’t realize they are teaching their children the same behavior, which will likely be repeated. 

***** 

After doing this work for 21 years, I have just recently seen something in a new light, that was in our faces all this time, but I suspect we looked the other way because we saw no solution and that was just the way it was. It’s the father’s role in all of this. We all know women tend to look for partners like their fathers – healthy or unhealthy. But I think I underestimated the overall impact of this obvious issue. 
 
We recently had a routine exercise at Blue Monarch where our residents described in great detail their life stories, what led them to addiction, and how they wanted us to help in their recovery. Sometimes we only schedule a few at a time because the stories are so heavy, they are hard to digest in large doses. 
 
But as I reflected on the testimonies that I heard that day, I noticed how many of the women were still grieving over what they didn’t get from their fathers as children. This issue was like a broken record I had heard it so many times, but somehow this day it got my attention. 

Andrea (not her real name) described how her mom decided one day she no longer wanted to be a mother and dumped her children at their father’s doorstep. He provided a roof over their heads, but that was basically all he did. He was either drunk or absent, which created a breeding ground for her sexual abuse by an older sibling. She still felt the pain from her father's neglect and his failure to protect her.
 
Brittany (also not her name) described how her father abandoned her as a small child and she had been longing for that relationship ever since. Even as a grown adult, she told this story with tears streaming down her face as if it happened yesterday.
 
It wasn’t until that moment that I realized the “Clyde” we see Bonnie chasing over and over may actually be her father, not her prince in shining armor. Perhaps it’s not about seeking companionship or even sex. Bonnie is convinced Clyde will make everything okay somehow – just like a good father would do. And if he shows her any attention, she has to grab it while she can! "FIRE!"
 
So, at this point, what can we possibly do about this? We can’t re-create father-daughter relationships when so many of the fathers are missing, unidentified, disinterested, or dead. 
 
As I pondered this question, I looked out my office window and found one of the answers, which gave me hope. Playing outside were some of our Blue Monarch boys who also struggle because they don’t have healthy fathers. But there’s no reason they can’t learn what that looks like! So, we are beginning a new program to teach our boys what it means to be a good father, and with lots of time and prayer, I believe they will love their kids one day in a way they and their moms never knew. It may take a while to see the results, but it's worth the wait and the effort. They are future fathers and we have a valuable window of opportunity to change the lives of their children one day.
 

But here’s one last question, I hear it a lot, and it leads to our best answer:
 
“What do you think your successful graduates have in common?”
 

·      That’s also easy. They develop a personal relationship with God, and he becomes their father. They no longer seek someone to fill that gap because they feel complete. It is then that they find the healthiest relationships that add to their lives – instead of taking away from who they are and what they have built. And that's what every Bonnie will find if she can ignore Clyde long enough to get to know her Father. 

 

Lord, these are big problems and big hurts to solve. Please guide us as we teach our boys to be healthy fathers and lead our women and children to know you as Father.  Amen