Wait. I've been on this train before.

It had to be the greatest speaking gig ever.  It was in the Bahamas.  The family of a prestigious foundation invited me to speak at their 2010 Members and Trustees meeting after hearing my story of how Blue Monarch got started, which began with a powerful dream I had one night many years ago. Naturally I accepted the invitation. Who wouldn’t?

Just a few days before the trip, I received all the impressive printed material that went along with the event.  It was clearly a much bigger deal than I realized.  When I began reading the bios of the other speakers, my heart started beating right out of my chest.  

There was my brief little “Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm” bio, right in the middle of a collection that represented famous scientists and dignitaries we only see on television or hear about in the news.  Oh. My. Gosh.

I began reading more about those who would attend.  The list included all sorts of brainiacs and even Nobel Prize winners.  “These are Albert Einstein type people.  Or is it Alfred?  Okay, that just proves my point!  I don’t belong!”

I immediately picked up the phone to call the family and gracefully decline.  Actually, I wanted to give them an opportunity to uninvite me because clearly there had been a terrible mistake.  “No, we always hear from thinkers.  We would love to hear from a doer.” 

So, off I went to the Bahamas to get in front of a massive crowd of folks who were a thousand times smarter than I was.  My stomach stayed in knots until I finally got my opportunity to speak, which was not until the last evening of the event.  I stepped up onto the podium and said, “Well, I have to confess, when I saw the list of outstanding people attending this meeting, I realized I had precious little time to write a best-selling novel, cure a disease, or bring world peace – so I apologize because I wasn’t able to do any of those things.”  At that point it became surprisingly easy.

I went on to tell the story of Blue Monarch, how we got started from an actual dream I had one night when I was minding my own business, and how it all eventually came true, down to the tiniest detail.  I shared some of the amazing stories of lives changed and lives saved.  The entire banquet hall of dignitaries respectfully listened to every word, appeared to be engaged, and responded with excellent questions.

The next morning a husky man approached me while I was eating breakfast in the hotel.  He said, “I was at the meeting last night and heard your talk.”  He had a very thick British accent, which I have never been able to properly imitate. “Did you see Chuck Colson?  He was hanging on every word you said.”

I hesitated.  “Chuck Colson...Chuck Colson…the name sounds familiar.”

“DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO CHUCK COLSON IS?  WERE YOU NOT BORN IN AMERICA?!”

“Wait.  Wasn’t he involved in Watergate?”

The man was incensed at my ignorance and began giving me the complete rundown of how Mr. Colson founded Prison Fellowship, which had become the country’s largest Christian non-profit serving prisoners and their families, and he had become a leading advocate for criminal justice reform.  He was especially offended I had never heard Chuck Colson on the radio.  Should I tell him I don’t know if it’s Alfred or Albert?  That would really get him in a wad.

When I returned to my room, I quickly looked up Chuck Colson’s photo on my computer so I could see if I remembered seeing him in the crowd. 

Oh, my word.  Yes, I certainly did.

The night before, after dinner when I was returning to my room, I helped a nice couple navigate their way to the elevator.  The gentleman and I both grumbled about how the hotel forced their guests to travel through the chaotic casino to get back to their rooms.  I remembered the man introducing himself, and later when I asked him again to repeat his name (because I had already forgotten it), he and his wife looked at each other and had a good chuckle about it. Well, no wonder. 

Just a few days later, I returned to my office and this is what was already sitting on my desk.  I quickly ripped it open and the first paragraph from Mr. Colson said, “As you perhaps know, I founded Prison Fellowship many years ago when I was released from prison for a Watergate-related offense.”  (He was probably hoping by now I had figured out who he was, for crying out loud.)

The letter also complimented me on my “stirring testimony”. But this is the part I have referred to many times through the years, when I found myself needing a good pat on the back.

“I find it very amazing that you do as much as you do on the kind of budget you have.”  It goes on to say, “I could tell from listening to you that your business skills have been an obvious plus as you’ve realized the fulfillment of your dream.”   Ah...what a meaningful endorsement.

There have been many times since 2003 when I have reached a point where the task ahead seems enormous and much bigger than I am.  But I have realized there is something I refer to as the “perfect cocktail” to trudge ahead.

First of all, it takes a good reminder that God is in control, not me. Blue Monarch is his plan, not mine.  Every time I remind myself of this, I find I can breathe again.

Secondly, it takes many, many folks who listen to God’s call on their own hearts, to share their resources, and help fund the things we do. I take great pride in the fact we have done as much as we have with what we have received.  We always strive to be good stewards of what we have been given and this is often a topic we emphasize in staff meetings. 

Lastly, it takes the endorsement of others for us to grow and thrive.  Many times, regardless of the size of a gift, it is the implied endorsement that means the most.  For instance, just the other day, I was in the Target check-out line an hour away from Blue Monarch when a woman came up to me and said, “Aren’t you the lady from Blue Monarch?”  She shoved a $5-dollar bill into my hand and said, “Here.  Take this.  I want to give this to Blue Monarch.”  

That endorsement from her meant as much to me as the endorsement from Chuck Colson.  When people give of their time or their resources, they also tell us they believe in our mission, they trust us with their investment, and they are cheering us on in our toughest moments.  That means the world to us – especially in times like the ones we are in today.

This past year has been one of the most remarkable years we have ever had at Blue Monarch.  In many ways I would compare it to the very beginning, when I started out each day with a trust fall.  Back then I felt like I stepped onto a fast locomotive train every morning, never knowing where it would take me, but simply trusting God to get me there.

We have experienced unbelievable abundance this year through the generosity of many, many kind-hearted people.  

·     We received gifts to purchase two new 15-passenger vans and can now transport our women and children without the fear of breaking down on the side of the road.

·     Through the generosity of an anonymous family and others, we built four more cottages for our WINGS Transitional Community for Graduates and can now offer this successful, extended opportunity to eight women and their children.

·     By receiving a very unexpected $200,000 matching gift from a sweet couple, we were able to raise the funds from lots of other generous folks to purchase an adjacent 58-acre farm to expand our campus and strengthen our program.

·     And – just one month after the purchase of the farm, we received an unbelievable promise for $825,000 to build an additional 8-family residential facility on our new property.  I received this amazing news from Ben and Joan Rechter on a Friday afternoon when I could still see cows in the very spot where we would be able to build this magnificent home.

We do not take this abundance lightly.  “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”  Luke 12:48   

For nearly seventeen years, I have been looking at the fence outside my office window that divided our property from the neighbor’s farm. It was terribly close, and I always hoped and prayed that one day it would be removed and we would be able to cross that boundary.  So naturally, I wanted to be standing there when that “wall” finally came down.  I imagined crossing that line along with all the women and children and staff of Blue Monarch as we would hold hands and dramatically take that momentous step together.  But, despite all my best efforts and planning, the fence came down while I was at a board meeting and I missed it.

As soon as the meeting was over, I raced back so I could see how it looked without the fence in place.  It was not the ceremony I had envisioned, but it turned out even better than that. 

The sun was going down as I jumped out of my car.  I quickly walked out into the pasture with just enough light to avoid the cow patties that were still scattered across the grass.  As I ventured onto this land that I had only observed from a distance, I felt like God was giving me a private viewing of what was up ahead.  It was almost what people refer to as an out of body experience.

I stood on the spot where we plan to build the first of two new homes. I was anxious to see what our women and children would see from their bedroom windows and from the front porch. I could already smell the scent of new construction.

Off in the distance on the horizon was the gorgeous sunset that often feels like a gift just for us.  It was exciting to imagine that some special woman will be seeing that from her bedroom window soon. 

Then I looked across the field at where we hope to build a multi-purpose building one day.  I imagined all the powerful classes that will take place there, I pictured the children in play therapy to overcome hideous traumas, I imagined the counseling, the exercising and ballgames, the healing, the praying, the graduations, the big meals, the events, the music...

Then I looked at the spot where we hope to build a new granola kitchen to take on more business, which will provide more on-site jobs for our women.  And nextdoor, a daycare that will serve our children and the surrounding community as well.  Not only that, but it will also provide a clinic for those mothers who risk losing their jobs because they have no one to fall back on when their children are sick. 

And then I got even more excited as I looked at the existing cow barns and thought about how we plan to use them for horse therapy to allow our women and children an even richer opportunity to heal.

With a wave of energy and emotion, I was overcome with the realization that this expansion, when completed, will allow us to serve 40 families, more than double the number we can currently house.  With over 200 families on our waiting list at any given time, that means a lot.

As I lingered in that spot and took it all in, I glanced at the beautiful main house, which I had never seen from that perspective.  The lights were on, the house was full of life, there was a woman at the kitchen sink cleaning dishes from supper, and I could hear a mother and child laughing as they ran to their room at the other house.  There was the faint sound of someone practicing the piano in the great room.  A mom stepped outside to set her barn boots on the back porch and then hesitated for a moment to admire the sunset.

"Yes, Lord.  This is what it is all about."  I am not typically a crier, but I found myself standing there in the dark with this window into life at Blue Monarch - and this window into future life at Blue Monarch - with tears running down my face.  "I don't know what in the world I ever did to deserve this beautiful moment, Lord, but thank you for the train that got me here." 

We are keenly aware that Blue Monarch is in a season of tremendous growth and with that comes greater responsibility.  Does it feel overwhelming at times?  Well, of course it does.  However, it feels like I have been here before because I find myself ready to step onto that locomotive train again, and I cannot wait to see where it takes me. This time, however, I’m taking a whole lot of wonderful people along with me.  So, if you are one of those, hang on – because it’s going to be an amazing ride.

Lord, let us never forget to look to you for guidance, and to always remember, the glory belongs to you alone.  Amen

Love, not judge. No, really.

Last week a couple I had never seen before sat right in front of me at church just as the service began.  Being a church with multiple services, it is always hard to know if someone is visiting or just attending a different service.  

When the singing began, a woman who typically sits a few seats from me began her usual songbird vibrato tenor, which is often heard above the praise and worship team.  She has a beautiful voice, which probably made her quite a catch for some church choir in the past, but in our contemporary service, I’ll admit, it can sometimes feel a little awkward.  

What I observed that day, though, hurt my heart.  Every single time this sweet woman’s beautiful voice rose above the congregation, the new couple in front of me looked at each other and smiled.  They were not endearing smiles.  Instead, they were exchanging very critical, make-fun-of-someone-and-laugh-about-it-later smiles.

Each time they did this, I glanced over, just hoping the woman was not aware the two were making fun of her. Whether she knew it or not, she was simply worshipping God with her hands raised, praising him with her melodious voice, clinching her eyes in fervent prayer.  There were emotional tears in the corners of her eyes.  

I felt certain she was praying for great healing.  Just moments before, this woman shared with me that she was waiting on some pretty serious test results and could possibly have cancer.  And yet, there she was without abandon, praising God with complete trust and adoration.

I couldn’t help but wonder how the insensitive couple in front of me might feel if they knew more about this woman.  If they knew how sweet she was, that she would be sure to remember their names if she met them, how many immense health trials she had faced in her lifetime, the circumstances that would cause her to attend church by herself – would they have behaved any differently?

This incident reminded me of a recent conversation about a life lesson that I had with our residents. They had collectively decided they were not happy with certain individuals about something that had happened, and I knew their rush to judgement was based on very few facts, which is always dangerous. So, I used a jar of beans to illustrate the process they had used to come to their group conclusion.  It went something like this...

**********

“Hey guys, let me share a little story with you.”

“Years ago, I was excited to take the women of Blue Monarch to my hometown of Franklin.  It meant a lot to me to revisit the downtown where I spent so much of my time growing up – and to share it with the amazing women of Blue Monarch.”  

“I was so excited I could hardly wait.  The downtown is nothing like it was when I was growing up and I described the way Franklin was often considered an unsophisticated cow town back then.  In fact, there was a time when I played on the high school tennis team, and on an occasion we visited a school in Nashville, the other team yelled ugly remarks to us, like ‘who loaned you shoes today?’  I remember looking down at my white seersucker tennis dress with blue trim and my bloomers with rows of frills (that my friends apparently admired?), all of which I had made myself – and suddenly noticed the opposing team had nice, matching outfits.  When I looked around me, I realized each girl on my team was dressed in her own tennis garb, unique to her.  We were all wearing white, but no two outfits were alike.  And as for our shoes, they were a collection of everything from sneakers, to oxford saddle loafers, to sandals.  We left our school that day feeling pretty special, ready to take on our opponents, but we returned feeling wounded and humiliated.”

The women seemed a little puzzled as to where I was going with my story.  I continued.

“By the time I took the Blue Monarch women on this trip, Franklin had become a pretty hip town full of cute, unique shops, and we were going to have fun exploring each and every one of them!”

“There were perhaps seven women with me, and we strolled down Main Street together, checking out the beautiful window displays, and entering the little shops and boutiques, one by one.  I knew we wouldn't be buying anything but I thought it would be great fun to just look.”

“Pretty soon, though, I noticed there were fewer and fewer of my companions going into the shops with me. Instead, the women began waiting on the sidewalk out front instead.  I asked them, ‘What are you doing out here?  Don’t you want to come in?’”

“What they told me broke my heart.  It wasn’t easy getting it out of them, but the group finally explained that they felt uncomfortable about the way people were looking at them and acting toward them.” 

“What?  Nonsense, I said. Come with me and I will show you, you are imagining things.”

“The group didn’t want to, but they followed me into the next little boutique, and it didn’t take long to see what they were talking about.  One of our women pulled a beautiful blue sweater off a rack to show me, and the sales lady quickly came over and removed it from her hand with some clumsy excuse about having misplaced it.  I looked around at the other shoppers.  Two were clutching their purses to their chests, and one lady even looked a little frightened.” 

“I stood back and took a good look at the women I had brought with me, trying to understand what others were seeing that would cause them to react in this way.”  

“As I studied the hurt and shameful expressions on the faces of the women I had brought on this little field trip, I realized the people we had seen that day were basing their opinions entirely on what little they knew and saw, which was only a fraction of what was really there.  It was understandable, we've all done it, but these women who were so dear to me had been hurt, which hurt me, too.”

“For instance, there was Teresa missing her front teeth.  Well, they didn’t know she had suffered a severe blow to the head by a steel toed boot.  She was actually lucky to be alive and still struggled with slight brain damage because of it.”

“There was Amanda with crudely drawn tattoos all over her arms and neck.  They didn’t know the tattoos told the story of the painful death of her child, whom she was still grieving.”

“And there was Melissa with a prematurely aged face and rough exterior.  There was no way for anyone to know that she grew up in a house that had no heat except the hot air that came from the dryer vent in sixty minute intervals.  She never once got a Christmas gift as a child.”

“As I glanced over the rest of the group, I was reminded that each of them had been sexually abused as a child, by someone she should have been able to trust. There was no way for a stranger to know that.”

“Just like this jar of beans, it is full of things we don’t know – circumstances, life experiences, events, disappointments, hurts, losses – but just like the people we encountered that day, we often draw conclusions from just a few beans, only the ones we can see in that moment.  Perhaps that conclusion would be different if our opinions were not based on such a tiny portion of the information.  And then I asked the group, when you are the recipient of that, it doesn’t feel very fair, does it?"

**********

At Blue Monarch we live by a phrase that God powerfully gave me during a spiritual mountaintop experience a few years back – “Serve, not fix.  Love, not judge.”  It has become our favorite saying, and in fact, I realize I am actually wearing a sweatshirt bearing those words as I write this.

We often focus on “Serve, not fix.”  But sometimes I think we overlook the equally powerful, “Love, not judge.”   

Those we serve at Blue Monarch are easy targets for quick judgement, based on only a few facts.  So, during this season of thankfulness, I am especially grateful for all the amazing folks who love so sweetly, and support so generously – without judgement - the incredible women and children we serve. Thank you.  

Truth is, even though I will never know all the hurts and struggles each bean represents, and it’s sometimes tempting to judge from only a few, I do know our residents are the most remarkable, courageous, and beautiful women and children one could ever have the pleasure of knowing.  And I somehow get the tremendous honor to serve and love them each and every day.  May I always make the most of this unique and priceless opportunity.  

Only you know what’s in that jar, Lord, so help us to see others through your eyes.  Give us the hearts to love before we are tempted to judge.  And help us to never forget that you first did the same for us.  Amen

Here is a link to an earlier blog post about God’s message to “Serve, not fix.  Love, not judge.”    http://susanatblue.blogspot.com/2016/02/before-fixing-can-begin.html

But, what if?

It was 6:45 on a Saturday morning and my phone chirped.  “Someone at Blue Monarch must be going to the emergency room,” went through my head as I grabbed the phone to see the text.

“Hey, this is Tyra.” (For the purposes of this story, not her real name.)  Tyra is a teenage girl whose mother was a part of our program about four years ago.  She wrote a touching book for school one time about her mother’s journey at Blue Monarch, and all these years later it still lives on my coffee table.  I typically hear from Tyra about once or twice a year.  

I texted back, “Good to hear from you, Tyra!  Is everything okay?” 

“No, I’m in really bad shape.”  

“What’s wrong?  Can I call you?”

“I’m crying too hard to talk.  I need help really bad.”

“Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have a plan to hurt yourself?”

“Yes.”

“Is anyone with you?” 

“No.”

At that point I set down my coffee cup, threw on some clothes and took off out the door as I called our psychologist friend, Dr. Nancy, for advice, and our Program Director, Jeannie, to meet me on the way.  The rest of the day involved a stressful two-hour drive to find Tyra, a dramatic arrival at her door with a police officer, and hours and hours at the hospital.  However, the day ended late that night with Tyra getting the support she knew she needed.  I was proud of her for reaching out, and I was thankful she felt Blue Monarch was a safe place to seek help. 

This incident weighed heavily on my heart for weeks afterward and there were a lot of “what if’s” that ran through my head.  What if I had not seen the text?  What if I had waited too long before responding?  I could hardly bear the thought of worst-case scenarios.  

Seems like “what if” has been a constant theme throughout my Blue Monarch experience.  When Blue Monarch first got started, I received a desperate call from a woman with four children.  She was begging for help and had nowhere to go.

“Oh, I am so sorry. We haven’t even gotten started. We have no staff, no program, I barely have a board.”  I turned her away thinking I needed to have all those things solidly in place before bringing on the enormous responsibility of a woman and her children. Wasn’t that using good business sense?

But this, too, weighed on my heart for a couple of weeks.  I could not get this woman off my mind and thought about her constantly.  Finally, I decided to track her down and let her come anyway. After all, what would be the harm in that?

When I finally reached someone who knew this woman, I was devastated to learn that all four children were in the process to be adopted, and the mother had disappeared.  I still, to this day, do not know what happened to her or her children after that. The “what if’s” are endless.  (This experience was my first lesson in how quickly big, life changing things can happen with the population we serve.)

But those wondering questions continue even today.  At any given time, we have over 200 families on our waiting list.  We have developed a very effective, unique program with a strong emphasis on children and parenting. For this reason we are in high demand so it feels like we are turning people away every single day.  Each time we hang up the phone after talking to a desperate and often tearful applicant, I am certain we all ask ourselves what is going to happen to her after we hang up. This is why we have been so committed to finding a way to help more families.  We have no other choice and our entire staff feels the tremendous urgency.

A couple of weeks ago, we entered a whole new, very exciting chapter in our Blue Monarch history.  For nearly seventeen years I have been looking at a wire fence, just 52 feet from my office, hoping and praying that one day we would find a way to purchase that beautiful farm adjacent to us.  I was always fearful it would eventually be filled with houses and we would lose the healing sanctuary the open farmland provided.    

Each year I would ask the owner what he would take for the 58-acre farm with the house and outbuildings, just in case some miracle happened and we could somehow buy it.  There was one very scary year when the farm was officially on the market with a sign and everything.  I’m not proud of it, but when I would see potential buyers walking the property line, I would suddenly come up with an outdoor game for the women and children. The object of the game was to be as loud and obnoxious as possible – and in the process make us look like really undesirable neighbors.  As I said, I’m not proud of it, but hey, a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do.

So, this was the year some miracle did happen, and we were able to buy the farm.  A very generous couple offered an amazing gift of $200,000 as a matching challenge, and in one night we were able to raise the matching funds to purchase the farm.  It truly was a miracle.

The closing was held at Blue Monarch so all our staff and residents could participate.  It was most special to me because it was such a dramatic difference from the closing on our original 50 acres back in 2003.  That time I was alone in a room with a couple of realtors and a closing agent, about to sign a note for nearly a million dollars, and still a little in shock that it was happening at all.  (Thankfully we paid this off in 2014!) 

This time, however, I was surrounded by the amazing women we serve, as well as our staff that so beautifully lifts me up and loves our families so deeply.  Unexpectedly, as soon as the papers were signed, the women began singing a beautiful song, praising God for this remarkable moment.  It has been very moving to see how excited our residents are over the purchase of this property.  As we prepared to raise the money we needed, the women prayed together on their own, asking God to bless Blue Monarch and future families in this tremendous way.  

We are excited beyond words that this campus expansion is going to greatly improve the services we provide, offer even richer opportunities to the families we serve, and most importantly, serve more women and children who are hurting.  

One day recently, as I put together a detailed plan for each proposed additional structure on our new land, the square footage for each space, and the estimated cost for construction, I began to feel and absorb the enormity of what is about to happen.  I’ll be honest.  Not only was I imagining the incredible blessings our women and children would receive as we doubled our population to 40 families, but I couldn’t resist picturing a double dose of frustrations as well.  

Such as, the other morning when I got to work, I got out of my car and stepped onto a popsicle stick with the nasty, gooey wrapper still attached.  Great.  Someone wasn’t watching her child and should have picked this up.  I carefully peeled it off my shoe and carried it with me as I walked across the parking lot.  Great again.  A bike was blocking the sidewalk and I had to step over it.  How many times have we talked about where the bikes belong?  And what's this?  A runaway stroller (empty, thank goodness) was blocking the steps.  Who left that there?  Get the DNA.  For a moment I imagined myself going through this same morning with not one, but two popsicle wrappers stuck to my shoes as I fought off two bikes and two strollers.

As I fantasized about the impact of doubling all our struggles, someone sent me a photograph that immediately put everything into perspective.  

Jessica, the mother in the photograph, had applied to Blue Monarch a long time ago but realized the waiting list was lengthy and she may need to make other plans.  She was already struggling as the single mother of a toddler, she was pregnant, trying to overcome a life of addiction, and she felt extremely hopeless.  In her overwhelming desperation Jessica scheduled an abortion in Atlanta.  

However, before this day came, this day that would end the life of Jessica’s baby, she received a call that Blue Monarch could take her.  She saw this as a bright sign of hope and came to Blue Monarch and canceled her abortion. Canaan was born last week and just look at the proud expression on that mama's face.

So, are we looking at an expansion that will double the number of women and children we can serve?  You bet we are.  Will that also double the work, the heartaches, the challenges, and the frustrations?  You bet it will. 

But this is the beautiful side of that story - just imagine...

What if  instead of one canceled abortion, there are two healthy miracle babies like Canaan?  

What if  instead of one Tyra, there are two teenagers who have a safe place to reach out to, if they are on the brink of suicide?

Now imagine this...  

What if  we missed out on twice as many blessings and miracles because we didn't have the faith and courage to take that next big step?  I don't know about you, but I'm glad I don't have to ask myself that question any time soon - even if it means a dad gum popsicle wrapper on each foot.

Lord, above all, may we always seek your will and not ours.  Please guide us as we enter this exciting new chapter at Blue Monarch.  You already know the names of every woman and child that will need us in the years to come.  Give us wisdom and strength as we prepare to serve them well.  Amen