But, what if?

It was 6:45 on a Saturday morning and my phone chirped.  “Someone at Blue Monarch must be going to the emergency room,” went through my head as I grabbed the phone to see the text.

“Hey, this is Tyra.” (For the purposes of this story, not her real name.)  Tyra is a teenage girl whose mother was a part of our program about four years ago.  She wrote a touching book for school one time about her mother’s journey at Blue Monarch, and all these years later it still lives on my coffee table.  I typically hear from Tyra about once or twice a year.  

I texted back, “Good to hear from you, Tyra!  Is everything okay?” 

“No, I’m in really bad shape.”  

“What’s wrong?  Can I call you?”

“I’m crying too hard to talk.  I need help really bad.”

“Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have a plan to hurt yourself?”

“Yes.”

“Is anyone with you?” 

“No.”

At that point I set down my coffee cup, threw on some clothes and took off out the door as I called our psychologist friend, Dr. Nancy, for advice, and our Program Director, Jeannie, to meet me on the way.  The rest of the day involved a stressful two-hour drive to find Tyra, a dramatic arrival at her door with a police officer, and hours and hours at the hospital.  However, the day ended late that night with Tyra getting the support she knew she needed.  I was proud of her for reaching out, and I was thankful she felt Blue Monarch was a safe place to seek help. 

This incident weighed heavily on my heart for weeks afterward and there were a lot of “what if’s” that ran through my head.  What if I had not seen the text?  What if I had waited too long before responding?  I could hardly bear the thought of worst-case scenarios.  

Seems like “what if” has been a constant theme throughout my Blue Monarch experience.  When Blue Monarch first got started, I received a desperate call from a woman with four children.  She was begging for help and had nowhere to go.

“Oh, I am so sorry. We haven’t even gotten started. We have no staff, no program, I barely have a board.”  I turned her away thinking I needed to have all those things solidly in place before bringing on the enormous responsibility of a woman and her children. Wasn’t that using good business sense?

But this, too, weighed on my heart for a couple of weeks.  I could not get this woman off my mind and thought about her constantly.  Finally, I decided to track her down and let her come anyway. After all, what would be the harm in that?

When I finally reached someone who knew this woman, I was devastated to learn that all four children were in the process to be adopted, and the mother had disappeared.  I still, to this day, do not know what happened to her or her children after that. The “what if’s” are endless.  (This experience was my first lesson in how quickly big, life changing things can happen with the population we serve.)

But those wondering questions continue even today.  At any given time, we have over 200 families on our waiting list.  We have developed a very effective, unique program with a strong emphasis on children and parenting. For this reason we are in high demand so it feels like we are turning people away every single day.  Each time we hang up the phone after talking to a desperate and often tearful applicant, I am certain we all ask ourselves what is going to happen to her after we hang up. This is why we have been so committed to finding a way to help more families.  We have no other choice and our entire staff feels the tremendous urgency.

A couple of weeks ago, we entered a whole new, very exciting chapter in our Blue Monarch history.  For nearly seventeen years I have been looking at a wire fence, just 52 feet from my office, hoping and praying that one day we would find a way to purchase that beautiful farm adjacent to us.  I was always fearful it would eventually be filled with houses and we would lose the healing sanctuary the open farmland provided.    

Each year I would ask the owner what he would take for the 58-acre farm with the house and outbuildings, just in case some miracle happened and we could somehow buy it.  There was one very scary year when the farm was officially on the market with a sign and everything.  I’m not proud of it, but when I would see potential buyers walking the property line, I would suddenly come up with an outdoor game for the women and children. The object of the game was to be as loud and obnoxious as possible – and in the process make us look like really undesirable neighbors.  As I said, I’m not proud of it, but hey, a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do.

So, this was the year some miracle did happen, and we were able to buy the farm.  A very generous couple offered an amazing gift of $200,000 as a matching challenge, and in one night we were able to raise the matching funds to purchase the farm.  It truly was a miracle.

The closing was held at Blue Monarch so all our staff and residents could participate.  It was most special to me because it was such a dramatic difference from the closing on our original 50 acres back in 2003.  That time I was alone in a room with a couple of realtors and a closing agent, about to sign a note for nearly a million dollars, and still a little in shock that it was happening at all.  (Thankfully we paid this off in 2014!) 

This time, however, I was surrounded by the amazing women we serve, as well as our staff that so beautifully lifts me up and loves our families so deeply.  Unexpectedly, as soon as the papers were signed, the women began singing a beautiful song, praising God for this remarkable moment.  It has been very moving to see how excited our residents are over the purchase of this property.  As we prepared to raise the money we needed, the women prayed together on their own, asking God to bless Blue Monarch and future families in this tremendous way.  

We are excited beyond words that this campus expansion is going to greatly improve the services we provide, offer even richer opportunities to the families we serve, and most importantly, serve more women and children who are hurting.  

One day recently, as I put together a detailed plan for each proposed additional structure on our new land, the square footage for each space, and the estimated cost for construction, I began to feel and absorb the enormity of what is about to happen.  I’ll be honest.  Not only was I imagining the incredible blessings our women and children would receive as we doubled our population to 40 families, but I couldn’t resist picturing a double dose of frustrations as well.  

Such as, the other morning when I got to work, I got out of my car and stepped onto a popsicle stick with the nasty, gooey wrapper still attached.  Great.  Someone wasn’t watching her child and should have picked this up.  I carefully peeled it off my shoe and carried it with me as I walked across the parking lot.  Great again.  A bike was blocking the sidewalk and I had to step over it.  How many times have we talked about where the bikes belong?  And what's this?  A runaway stroller (empty, thank goodness) was blocking the steps.  Who left that there?  Get the DNA.  For a moment I imagined myself going through this same morning with not one, but two popsicle wrappers stuck to my shoes as I fought off two bikes and two strollers.

As I fantasized about the impact of doubling all our struggles, someone sent me a photograph that immediately put everything into perspective.  

Jessica, the mother in the photograph, had applied to Blue Monarch a long time ago but realized the waiting list was lengthy and she may need to make other plans.  She was already struggling as the single mother of a toddler, she was pregnant, trying to overcome a life of addiction, and she felt extremely hopeless.  In her overwhelming desperation Jessica scheduled an abortion in Atlanta.  

However, before this day came, this day that would end the life of Jessica’s baby, she received a call that Blue Monarch could take her.  She saw this as a bright sign of hope and came to Blue Monarch and canceled her abortion. Canaan was born last week and just look at the proud expression on that mama's face.

So, are we looking at an expansion that will double the number of women and children we can serve?  You bet we are.  Will that also double the work, the heartaches, the challenges, and the frustrations?  You bet it will. 

But this is the beautiful side of that story - just imagine...

What if  instead of one canceled abortion, there are two healthy miracle babies like Canaan?  

What if  instead of one Tyra, there are two teenagers who have a safe place to reach out to, if they are on the brink of suicide?

Now imagine this...  

What if  we missed out on twice as many blessings and miracles because we didn't have the faith and courage to take that next big step?  I don't know about you, but I'm glad I don't have to ask myself that question any time soon - even if it means a dad gum popsicle wrapper on each foot.

Lord, above all, may we always seek your will and not ours.  Please guide us as we enter this exciting new chapter at Blue Monarch.  You already know the names of every woman and child that will need us in the years to come.  Give us wisdom and strength as we prepare to serve them well.  Amen