Greetings from the Belly of the Fish

No doubt, this woman (who shall remain nameless until I go to my grave) has no idea how much she has impacted my life since I met her many years ago.  I once described her as a person who inspired me to accomplish as much as possible before I died, but a friend corrected me and said, “She did not inspire you. She motivated you.”

I often imagine this striking woman getting to the end of her life, looking back, and seeing that she did nothing but get her hair and nails done regularly.  Oh yeah, she does read People magazine, so there’s that. But you can’t even say she raised her children because she got someone else to do that for her.  She didn’t cook, she had no hobbies, she never worked (inside or outside the home), she belonged to no particular group or club, didn’t surround herself with friends, she didn’t volunteer her time, and was not active in a church.  Actually, even though she had the capacity to be significantly philanthropic, to my knowledge she was not. 

Here’s the troubling part, though.  I don’t think any of this bothers her.  She’s perfectly content with things the way they are.  I, on the other hand, worry that she will have terrible regrets one day when she realizes she has done little to make a difference.  The idea of having that late revelation at the end of one’s life is so unsettling to me, it’s frightening, so she just motivates me to do more.  It’s hard for me to imagine that God didn’t ask something of her somewhere along the way, and that her life couldn’t have been much richer.  

Sometimes, when I am out speaking to groups about Blue Monarch, I see an occasional face in the crowd that tells me this person is troubled by the same fear.  From time to time, someone will come up to me afterwards, with tears in her eyes, and confess she has felt for a long time God was asking something of her, but she had run the other way.  This is not just a female thing.  Men have told me the same thing.  Clearly, avoiding God’s request has not brought them any peace, and for some, it has actually crossed over into real pain.  The agony is tangible.  Regret is a terrible thing.

A while back, I decided to read the Bible from front to back.  I know, some people assume because I founded a Christian organization that I should have done that years ago.  But, honestly, I spent most of my life using the Russian roulette system of Bible reading.  I randomly opened it and found the verses that shouted to me in that moment, and then convinced myself God showed me all I needed.  

When I began this project, I intentionally set no time limits on myself so I wouldn’t speed through the Bible just to meet my goal.  I’m terribly competitive, so I resisted the urge to research how long it should take me.  (I will confess, I have loved it so much, I am certain I will begin the process all over again as soon as I finish Revelation.)  

I am often aware that I see the world through a slightly different lens than the masses, and my interpretation of the Bible has been no different.  For instance, when a few of my co-workers were speaking Christianese at lunch one day, I remarked that I had just finished reading the Books of 1^st and 2^nd Slaughter (there’s some brutal stuff in there!) and after reading Psalms, I found David to be quite a whiner.  He’s great!  Then he’s not.  He’s great!  Then he’s not.  And when I discovered God had killed Ezekiel’s wife just to prove a point...well, I didn’t speak to him for two days.  You miss a lot with the Russian roulette system.   

Once I reached the book of Jonah, however, I got stuck.  Although I think Jonah is a bit of a spoiled brat, I have been absolutely fascinated with the book and have read it over and over like a broken record.  I have read every commentary I can get my hands on and it has been fun comparing all the various translations I can find. I will have to say, I prefer the Living Bible version of Jonah over all the others, simply for the first paragraph.  It basically says that God found the wickedness in Nineveh so appalling, it “smells to highest heaven.”  Isn’t that great?  I think I’m going to start using that.  There are lots of things I would say “smell to highest heaven.” 

My affection for the book of Jonah clearly goes back to the troubled people I just described.  Jonah knew what God was asking him to do.  It was a pretty impressive assignment - to warn the people of Ninevah to clean up their act or something terrible might result.  Jonah chose to run the opposite direction. It’s really pretty hilarious if you think about it. Jonah ended up on a boat in a terrible storm, got thrown overboard and nearly drowned, found slimy seaweed tangled around his head, was swallowed by a huge fish (how gross is that?), begged for God’s mercy, and finally got vomited onto dry land.  And after all that, God picked up where they left off and said, “Remember that thing I asked you to do way back then?  Well, I still need you to do it.”  

This coronavirus pandemic reminds me a lot of Jonah’s experience.  In fact, I would say we have been in the belly of the fish, not for three days and nights, but for the past six weeks or so.   People all over the globe are having heart to heart conversations with God right now, reevaluating their choices, reflecting on their lives and priorities, making COVID-19 resolutions, and promising what they will do differently when this ugly season is over – just like Jonah. 

But Jonah’s memory was short, and I hope ours is not.  It didn’t take him long to forget his promises from the belly of the fish and before you know it, he was back to his poor choices and narcissistic self.  For Jonah, it was so important to be right, he actually wanted to die when God spared the people of Nineveh instead of destroying them as Jonah had warned.  The prophet even blamed God for his own initial failure to carry out God’s will.  “See, I knew what you would do – it’s your fault I ran the other way.  I knew you would spare them because you are just that kind of guy.”  (Again, my interpretation.)   

And then, just in case he might get lucky after all, Jonah found himself a good vantage point to sit back with a bag of popcorn and simply wait for the people of Nineveh to hopefully screw up – just so he could take pleasure in their pain and enjoy God’s wrath.  He totally overlooked the joy he could have experienced, knowing that God used him to help so many people turn from their “smelly” ways and totally transform their lives.  That was an honor he totally missed.

If you have ever heard me tell the story of Blue Monarch, I describe how I had a powerful revelation one day when I realized what God was asking me to do.  Just like Jonah, I wanted to run the opposite direction.  I wanted to hide under a rock and not make eye contact with God.  Did God not know I was incapable and unworthy of such an assignment?  Maybe he would forget he had asked me.  I actually cried about it for three days (and three nights?)  Finally, my daughter said something to me that was a game changer.

“Mommy, you can tell God no, and he won’t love you any less than if you said yes.”  

Hmm...how could I say no to a God like that?  That’s when I decided to take a deep breath and say yes.  It’s the moment my life went from ordinary to extraordinary, and even in the most difficult times, I have never regretted it.

I can hardly bear to imagine what I would have missed if I had said no, and I don’t have to look far to see what that could have been.  

For instance, just last week I decided to surprise the women and children who were quarantined at Blue Monarch, with a trunk load of ice cream.  I loaded up every flavor I could find at the store, along with a huge jug of chocolate syrup, and couldn’t wait to see their faces.  I had not seen them in five weeks (except for on a computer screen) and was missing them something terrible.  I suspected it would be hard to respect social distancing when I really wanted to give each one of them a big hug.

What I didn’t expect, though, was that the best treat would be my own.  In that short visit I was blessed over and over.  Heather couldn’t wait to share how the quarantine had enabled her to have some exciting revelations about her new life and sobriety.  Katie, who always has colorful, descriptive thoughts, shared hers as well.  Taylor read me an incredible poem she had written, and every word reached in and touched my heart in a special way.  Jennifer, with her powerful voice, sang a moving song she had composed about her recovery journey at Blue Monarch, as her daughter gazed at her with pride.  We laughed about how Chris, a spunky three-year-old, thought our staff members were in trouble, which was why we had not been there in so long.  Guess he thought everyone except our on-site staff members were in time-out for something really bad.  

Even though those things may sound simple, I wouldn’t trade that one day for a lifetime of what I might have experienced otherwise, if I had said no to God.  And that is what I struggle with the most.  The folks who resist or reject God’s plan are still loved by him, but they miss out on a joy that is greater than anything they can ever imagine.  They are not living life to its fullest and don’t even know it.  

I have to wonder - do they feel incapable and unworthy?  Is that their hesitation?  Well, guess what. That just makes them even more perfect for the job because God uses incapable and unworthy people throughout the entire Bible to do amazing things.  And he uses them today.  

When this pandemic is over and we are spit out onto dry land again, I truly believe God is going to pick up where he left off and say, “Remember that thing I asked you to do way back then?  Well, I still need you to do it.” 

I hope this time he hears a resounding "yes" from around the world - and that it rings all the way to the highest heaven.  Now, wouldn't that be amazing.

And when God saw that they had put a stop to their evil ways, he abandoned his plan to destroy them, and didn't carry it through.  Jonah 3:10

Time to get my big girl panties on...

Blacktop got his name because he was pitch black without a spot of white anywhere.  My husband and I had just gotten divorced and Blacktop was a wooly shepherd dog who joined our little family to ease the transition for my three-year-old.

Mary Susan and I loved him, but Blacktop was a holy terror for the rest of our neighborhood.  We could often hear people screaming from several streets over, “Stop, Blacktop!  Bring that back!”  One day I was greeted at the door by an angry woman shaking a shoe in my face.  “That dog of yours took one of my expensive running shoes,” she yelled. “That dog will even go into your GARAGE to take your things!”  Once she calmed down, she offered to “lend me” her husband so he could teach me how to teach my dog to stay at home.  No thanks. I declined.  (She and her husband had one of those dorky messages on their answering machine where they took turns saying a line.)  I did pay the woman for her shoes, and she was right - they were crazy expensive.

I really didn’t believe these terrible allegations about Blacktop until one day I found a stash in the corner of our yard, way up under the bushes, that could have stocked an entire thrift store.  There were all kinds of interesting (and a few embarrassingly private) items – including the angry woman’s shoe.  Sure enough, there it was.  Blacktop was caught red handed, so I put up a fence.

A few years later, my daughter and I moved to a horse farm and of course, Blacktop went with us.  He was a special part of our family, and thank goodness, he finally had room to roam.  

Running Xanadu Farm as a single mom was often very hard, but I was too stubborn to admit it. If I didn’t know how to do something, I found a farmer nearby who could teach me.  It was physically exhausting, and work started at sunup and lasted until sundown.  There were many frustrations:  farm equipment that broke down at the worst possible time, weather that could make life miserable, difficult boarders who thought their horses were children, and horses that sometimes misbehaved.  There were many times I wanted to give up, but I would tell myself, “It’s time to get your big girl panties on!  You just have to get in there and do it.”

There was a sad day when this was put to the test.  I heard the yelp off in the distance and discovered our dog, Blacktop, had been killed on the highway in front of our property. Naturally, I was heartbroken, and I couldn’t stand the thought of him getting pulverized by more vehicles by the time my daughter got home from school, so I grabbed my pickup to get him.

(Heads up: This is where the movie shifts from PG to PG-13, just in case you are squeamish.) 

I will never forget standing on the highway, crying my eyes out, struggling and fighting to pick up our precious dog’s lifeless body, which weighed close to 70 pounds.  I’m sure I was quite a sight as people slowed down and drove around me.  His fur still felt warm to my face and had that familiar smell.  Oh, Blacktop, why did you have to cross the road?  But as I worked to lift the body, I was disgusted to find that his insides had spilled out of his belly and were strung out for several feet on the pavement, making it even more difficult to move him.  I remember seeing that grotesque sight and thinking, this must be what the Bible refers to as “entrails”.  Gross.

At that moment I knew what I had to do.  Get your big girl panties on!  I reached for my pocketknife that I used to cut baling twine.  With so many tears in my eyes that I could barely see, I stooped down and used my knife to sever Blacktop's body from the parts he had lost so I could shove his heavy carcass into the bed of my truck.  I didn’t like it.  It made me gag.  I didn’t want to do it - but it had to be done, so I did it.  After that, this incident became the standard by which to measure every challenge I faced until a bigger one took its place.

Let’s face it.  This COVID-19 thing absolutely stinks.  It has disrupted our lives in profound ways.  It has turned our homes, which were sanctuaries, into our workplaces with even more stress.  Our favorite foods are scarce.  Toilet paper has become a surprisingly rare commodity.  We can’t see our friends or family.  Weddings and even funerals have been canceled.  Some of us are losing money or jobs, and others are losing loved ones.  Yes, this is a time of true suffering.  

I can’t help but notice - this week, the one experts project to be the worst one yet for COVID-19, is the same week we commemorate the greatest suffering of all time.  Jesus’ death on the cross.  Does anything really compare to that?  The timing is pretty remarkable.

I realize losing my dog, Blacktop, and having to do crude surgery on his broken body, doesn’t come close to the kind of suffering some people are experiencing right now, although for others this season is simply an inconvenience.  Regardless of where we find ourselves in that wide range of distress, we need to find a way for this unbelievable event to make us stronger and better.  If we come out of this unchanged, that will be the true tragedy.

As I have watched people responding to this pandemic, there is one group that has really made an impression on me.  Here they are.

Last week I was having a video chat with some of our amazing women at Blue Monarch who are quarantined together.  (I miss them so much and will never again take them for granted.) I noticed their attitudes were the healthiest I have seen.  As I looked at each smiling face, it finally hit me - every single one of them, and even some of their children, have experienced worse crises than this nasty pandemic.  In fact, some of their stories could break your heart and keep you awake at night.  Even after 17 years of horrific stories, I am still shocked at what human beings will do to one another.

“Hey, let me ask you something.  Have any of you experienced a true crisis in your life?”  With no hesitation, every single hand went up in unison.  Of course, they have.  But they survived it.  And they became stronger for it.  They have raw, genuine faith in God, which gives them great peace.  And they know they will survive this crisis, too.  We have a lot to learn from them.  

After we signed off, I lingered in front of my computer screen, really moved by the joy and peace I had seen in their faces, even in the midst of this bizarre and uncertain crisis.  I was ashamed at feeling a little sorry for myself over the past few weeks.  “Susan, you know what?  It is time to get your big girl panties on and fight through this!”   

My thoughts immediately took me back to those days at Xanadu Farm.  I couldn’t help but laugh because I finally realized, even though I went through some tough times back then, I really loved that chapter of my life because it made me better and stronger.  That's where I learned to get in there and do it, even when I don't want to, even when it hurts - and each one of those trials prepared me for what I do today.  How can I not be thankful for that?

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Okay, I just now received this photo from Blue Monarch.  Our mothers have been doing a different activity each day to teach their children about Holy Week and this is how they spent their morning.  

Dear Lord, by the time this thing's over, I want to be more like them. Please, teach me how.