“Who are you and what did you do with my mom?”
It was the beginning days at Blue Monarch and my daughter, Mary Susan, walked in one day to find snotty-nosed children climbing all over me. What made it unusual was that I didn’t mind.
I never was a kid person. In fact, I spent many years liking only one child – mine. All the others were loud and annoying, had perpetual runny noses, and I was convinced they all carried highly contagious germs. So, this sight was shocking to my daughter.
As a teenager, I lost one of the only babysitting gigs I ever had because I let the kids watch Tom Jones on television. Still not sure what the big deal was. Had something to do with his swiveling hips. And after volunteering at Vacation Bible School one summer, they never asked me back.
Years later when I had my own child, it’s a wonder she ever learned how to talk because it made no sense to speak to something that couldn’t talk back. We spent many days in silence.
I remember the day the pediatrician told me I needed to start feeding meat to my baby. “Meat? You’re kidding me.” I imagined big chunks of roast beef and chicken crammed into baby food jars. It came as quite a shock when I discovered meat the consistency of peanut butter in a wide array of disgusting colors. Who knew?
My mothering instincts didn’t improve much as my daughter got older. There was a day when I looked at Mary Susan’s dinner and suddenly realized every item on her plate had a peel off lid. Oops. Apple sauce, cheese and cracker...and something green I don’t remember. Probably Jello. My mother showed up like the rescue squad one time to whisk Mary Susan off to a salad bar as if it was an emergency.
Even though children were just not my thing, when God placed Blue Monarch on my heart, he also supernaturally opened my eyes to view our children in a completely new light. I began to look into their eyes and see tremendous pain and lack of trust. The obnoxious screaming and crying became expressions of justifiable frustration instead of aggravating noise. Their aggressive behavior turned into the only outlet they had to release an overflowing bucket of pent-up anger. They became wounded little people with limited means to communicate. They touched my heart in a place I never knew was there.
I always keep loads of stickers in my desk because it trains our children to come to my office to see me, and it’s a great way to meet the ones who have just moved in. (It's also a perfect opportunity to teach "please" and "thank you.") But as I sit and watch a new child choose the one sticker he wants more than all the others, and then decide where he wants it placed, which is a toss-up between the back of the hand or the front of the forehead, I always wish I could have the conversation that’s really in my head in that moment. The one I won’t ever say out loud. It goes something like this...
“You’re probably wondering how long you’re going to be living here, huh? I know you’ve probably moved around a lot and it’s hard to get settled in for fear it will only be for a few days. But guess what, you may be here for a long time. You could be two to three years older by the time you leave so let’s just think how old you will be by then. Six? Twelve? And, just look at all these other kids! They are here for the same reasons you are and know exactly how you feel. You are not alone. You will make friends quickly.”
“You seem very angry, but you have every right to be. Do you feel like you’ve had to take care of some pretty grownup problems all by yourself? Well, you’re right. You have. But that’s going to stop. Here you will learn to just be a kid. With time you will no longer worry about your next meal or a safe place to hide. There will come a day when all you think about is climbing a tree or chasing a goat – and you won’t feel like screaming at the top of your lungs because you’re so mad. Won’t that be nice?” (We're all looking forward to that day, by the way.)
“Let’s talk about feeling safe, though. I know you have seen some pretty scary things, and people may have treated you in ways that didn’t feel right or maybe even hurt. Please understand, that was not okay, it was not your fault, and you are in a safe place now. No one is going to hurt you and you are going to have time to heal. You will eventually learn to trust us.”
“Troubling memories may begin coming back to you – things you saw or things you experienced. This is a safe place to talk about the stick in Daddy’s arm that made him sleep, or the stuff that made the house smell weird. You will not be in trouble for talking about those things.”
“Your mom will be going through lots of changes over the next few weeks and months. In fact, you may even start referring to The Old Mommy and The New Mommy. Heads up, she may not let you do things you used to do because they are not good for you. This may make you mad at first, but eventually you will realize you feel safe when you see Mommy in charge. You may notice she does what she says she will do, with consistency, and that sticking to a schedule makes you feel more secure. Yes, you will see that Mommy is always going to be there when you wake up and when you get off the bus. No more worrying about unexpected surprises. Take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay.”
“Are you upset about losing your devices and games? I know you’ve probably spent a lot of time on them, and they may have blocked out some stuff that was going on around you. But you are going to discover lots of exciting things to do on our big farm, and before you know it, you’ll realize it’s more fun to play with Sam, our big friendly dog, or even help your mom in the garden. Have you noticed your face is pretty pale compared to the other children here? Truth is, it’s not healthy for children to be up all night or locked inside all day. You are going to love the way the sun feels on your face and before you know it, you will look healthy, just like the other kids.”
“Let me warn you about something, though. There are going to be days when Mommy is really cranky or she cries and you don’t know why. Don’t be afraid. Just like you have horrible things you remember that make you sad or mad, your mommy does, too. Sometimes it’s hard talking about those things, but that’s what it takes to make things better. And I promise you, with time, you will see her cry like that less and less. The New Mommy is just around the corner and she’s going to surprise you with things she says and does. I think you’re going to like her – a lot.”
“Let me share something else with you. It's important for you to understand and never forget. It was not an easy decision for your mommy to come to Blue Monarch. Just like you had to adjust to new rules, it’s hard for your mommy to live by new rules, too. She brought you here, knowing it was going to be very hard, but she did it anyway because she loves you. Your mommy is really, really brave. I want you to know that.”
“There’s one more thing you need to know. You are going to meet someone while you are here who will be with you every single day the rest of your life. In fact, even in your darkest times, he was already with you, but you may not have known it. He will be someone you can turn to when you need help, when you are scared, or when you just feel thankful for a wonderful day. And one day, in the not-too-distant-future, you will be able to thank him for The New Mommy you have – because he will be the one who brought her to you. He heard you say 'please... so don't forget to say 'thank you'.”
Now, what’s your favorite color? You want a smiley face or a dinosaur?
Thank you, Lord, for the tremendous honor you have given us to walk alongside your precious children as they heal. May we never underestimate the power of that enormous responsibility. Amen
