He was snaggle toothed, needed a haircut in a bad way, and had a smile that would melt your heart. Those were all the things we could see on the outside. What we couldn’t see were all the dark things swirling around on the inside that should never belong to a child.
Little did we know, this six-year-old boy was withdrawing from alcohol when he walked through our doors, something he had enjoyed since he was a toddler. His mother had not disclosed this information because of her shame for allowing it to happen in the first place. And Lucas probably thought it was something all little boys did, that all children had hangovers from time to time. So, while the other kids at Blue Monarch were “jonesing” for Sundrop, he was craving Budweiser.
Apparently, alcohol was not the only thing Lucas was suddenly doing without. We later learned his father thought it was “educational” to allow him to view things on TV that even adults shouldn’t see. Things I’m sure were burned into his young, impressionable mind that will be difficult, if not impossible, to erase.
One thing abundantly clear was that Lucas was attached to his daddy and going through withdrawal from him along with everything else. Naturally we wanted to encourage his relationship with his dad, but it didn’t take long to discover this was not a good idea.
Time after time we drove to meet Lucas’ father for weekend visits, and he wouldn’t show up. It was one lousy excuse after another and none of them made the disappointment less painful for Lucas. Each time our staff exchanged angry threads of text messages as we hurt along with him. The few times the father did show up, it became clear he was exposing Lucas to drugs in the home, so we quickly went to court to get the visits stopped as soon as possible. Lucas was angry with us - and the judge, for keeping him from his father. We were the bad guys.
The visits were replaced by scheduled phone calls, but these were just as inconsistent and disappointing as the visits. On one occasion the dad allowed a buddy of his to get on the phone and call Lucas inappropriate, ugly names, just for fun. Fun for whom? Lucas was crushed and hung up the phone in tears. He also knew his father wasn’t taking the necessary steps to resume weekend visits, which added to his overflowing bucket of hurt.
We were relieved when Lucas’ father went to jail but that only made his son even more depressed and angry. Is it any wonder Lucas struggled in school and wasn’t interested in all the typical little boy things? It was a heavy load for a young child, and we had a limited window of time to rewire his troubled, distorted world.
Unfortunately, the father got out of jail and the disappointing phone calls returned. But they were just as inconsistent as before. Lucas’ behavior declined, and he decided he no longer cared about consequences or even rewards. All seemed silly to him. Well, his word was “stupid.” The only thing that motivated Lucas was the hope of seeing his dad. I think he would have done anything if that man was the carrot we dangled in front of him, which was not one of our options.
Sometimes I think our boys have the greatest struggle at Blue Monarch. They are surrounded by women, so we work very hard to introduce strong, good men into their lives through our mentors, tutors, and volunteers. But let’s face it. No one replaces Dad, even when he is the boogie man.
Sadly, Lucas’ story is not unique. Quite often our boys struggle with their dads being in and out of jail. That seems to be a common trigger for them, and their behavior reflects the uncertainty and pain they feel. They seem to absorb the news in a different way from our girls.
As grim as this seems, however, we have seen great healing with our boys, which is nothing less than miraculous. I remember one boy in particular, who constantly tried to run away when he and his mother moved in. He was angry with everyone, including us, because he couldn’t see his father who was in and out of jail like a revolving door - and it was easy to blame Blue Monarch for everything.
I was driving out one day after work when I found this boy running away again. I stopped and talked with him and cleverly found a project for him to do that diverted his attention. His mother eventually joined in the activity with him. My plan seemed to work pretty well, and I was pleased with my brilliant maneuver. They enjoyed working together to get something accomplished, which also allowed him to vent some of his frustration. As he and his mother walked back to the house hand in hand, he turned to me and said, “Don’t think I don’t know what you just did.” Couldn’t get much past him. He had grown up way before his time.
That troubled boy turned into an amazing young man, though. He visited us recently and as he and I stood outside admiring our amazing campus, he said, “You know, I wish I had spent more time appreciating this beautiful place when I lived here. And I should have acted nicer on the bus.” Then after a long pause, he said, “I guess that’s my way of saying I’m sorry I didn’t always act the way I should have.”
This young man’s father is still in and out of jail, but he is no longer haunted by the boogie man. He prays for his father and wants the best for him, but he is still able to thrive and enjoy life despite the disappointments. He holds himself to a higher standard and doesn’t allow his father to bring him down, even though I’m sure the love for his dad is still there.
As long as we continue to serve little boys, I’m sure the challenge with struggling fathers will still be a part of our lives. But I am grateful to say, with time and lots of hard work, our boys eventually learn from the boogie man instead of becoming one.
That's what I call a powerful, answered prayer ... and it's the same one we say for Lucas.
Lord, please guide us as we serve the boys in our care. Let them reach for your hand and know you as Father. Amen
