If you have ever heard me speak or if you have read my book, From My Front Row Seat, you may already know that as a child I had a very unhealthy, unexplainable fascination with Elizabeth Taylor. I found it completely intriguing she had so many husbands – and apparently, even recycled one.
So, it comes as no surprise that I have been married three times.
I never talk about my first brief marriage and in many ways it’s as if it never happened. In fact, shortly after we split up, there was a day when I discovered someone (who thought was helping me) burned every shred of evidence this man ever existed in a big bonfire with no warning. Every letter, card, photograph, and every cassette tape. Remember those? In a puff of smoke that entire painful, complicated chapter of my life vanished.
Many years later, it occurred to me that my aunt, who kept everything, might have saved a wedding picture. I needed something to document this period of my life to prove it really did happen. Sure enough. She had a wedding photo that included my cousin who was an unfortunate bridesmaid. When I looked at the faded image, I couldn’t help but laugh. Maybe there were other reasons all evidence was destroyed.
This wedding was at Christmastime and for some crazy reason I thought it made sense to have my bridesmaids dress up like Santa. So, for every woman out there who wants to whine about her ugly bridesmaid dress she will never wear again...you have no idea how bad it can get. Each bridesmaid was dressed in red with white fur around the cuffs and neckline. In fact, I remember how hard I worked to find white boas to create these masterpiece garments. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, they carried flowers that looked like big snowballs. No doubt every single bridesmaid hated my guts in that moment, and for the life of me, I can’t imagine what I was thinking. So, I carry this photo on my phone now, just to validate there was this crazy season in my life and it really did happen.
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My mother asked me recently if I thought God had blessed that marriage. Not hardly. In fact, I honestly don’t remember even asking God what he thought about it. Nor did I ask his opinion the second time, either. (The third time I prayed a lot and we’ve been happily married twenty-eight years.)
I can only imagine when I made the decision to get married my second year in college to someone that I clearly had no business marrying, God must have told his angels, “You might as well have a seat. This will take a while.” No doubt it would take many years before my life got back on track in the direction God intended all along. I sometimes wonder how different my life might have been if I had asked for his thoughts way back then instead of forging ahead with my own plan.
Recently I had a powerful vision that I want to share with you. I had been praying for a miracle that I felt God had promised me. But it was taking way longer than I ever thought it would and I was impatient. It was tempting to take control and act on my own, even though I felt strongly this was not God’s plan and he was telling me to wait.
Suddenly I had the most amazing vision, which was like a dream with my eyes open. I saw Jesus sitting at a small craftsman’s table. I could see him from the side, leaning over the table, carefully and meticulously stringing beads onto a long necklace. The beads were beautiful colors, each one with its own unique, intricate design. I could see there were still some beads on the table and the necklace was not yet full.
He held up the necklace by both ends and said, “You can take it now if you want, but it won’t be the perfect gift I had in mind for you. In fact, it may not last and may even fall apart. But it’s up to you.” I realized in that moment that he really wanted to bless me with something greater than anything I could imagine – if I could just trust him and be patient.
Many times, I feel this is exactly what happens with the women we serve. They have lost custody of their children, perhaps through mistakes of their own, but once they are going through the steps to make things right, this can feel like an eternity. No doubt for each mother, it’s tempting to take matters into her own hands, drive over to the foster home and snatch up her child right now rather than wait through difficult months and perhaps even years to jump through the necessary hoops and navigate the complicated process to regain custody. It takes supernatural faith and patience. This is especially challenging for those with a history of addiction who have been accustomed to acting impulsively for a very long time. It’s incredibly difficult. And painful. They wake up each morning with the same empty hole in their hearts that was there when they went to sleep.
But time and time again, when that miracle comes in God’s timing and not ours, it is more beautiful and spectacular than anything we could have imagined or manufactured on our own. Those are the times when a sudden, unexpected shift or event happens, or all the hundreds of moving parts just amazingly fall into place in the most remarkable way. And I’m certain that’s when Jesus gets the greatest joy – when he’s able to give the perfect gift he had in mind all along. "Here you go. Now it's finished."
Don't you know when Jesus saw the Santa dresses, he must have shaken his head and mumbled to himself, “That is NOT what I had in mind. Too bad she wasn’t willing to wait.” Maybe that's why I keep that photo on my phone.
Lord, thank you in advance for the perfect gift you have in mind. May we have the patience that only true faith can bring. Amen
