"Clyde, where are you?" Love, Bonnie

We have a new routine at Blue Monarch that I wish I had thought of years ago. Once a month we have Sofa Time with Susan, when our residents get to ask me anything they want. Of course, I reserve the right to refuse to answer, which has only happened once or twice, but for the most part, I am intrigued and impressed by their questions. Some are surprising, a few have been a little embarrassing, but many are profound. My favorite was from Christy, who had just moved in. Her question was reasonable: "Who are you?" It's a fun time together with lots of laughs where we get to know each other better as I pull their questions, one by one, out of a hand-painted gourd.

Let me take you through some of the questions I have been asked lately, starting with the one I hear the most. Some are from our graduate, Kayla, who was working on a speech for one of her college classes.

“What is the most common reason women fail?” 

·      That’s an easy one. It’s toxic men. (Although, I don’t like the word, “fail,” because it sounds so permanent, but they definitely struggle.) Some of the worst mistakes I have watched have been related to impulsive decisions regarding an unhealthy man.  

“Why do you think this happens?”

·      The relationship is often built on a fantasy, not on truth or reality. It is what she wants to have in a relationship, not what she can realistically expect given the track record she knows in her heart to be true.

·      Even when a woman won’t admit it, she is often convinced he will change with time, even though there is absolutely nothing to back that up.

·      Women often believe having a child together will bond them for life – when in fact, I rarely see that bond last as anything more than a legal obligation, not an emotional one.

 

“What do you think is at the core of this problem?”
 

·      Many women believe they are not complete without a man. This is tragic and completely false, and it causes them to make desperate and irrational decisions. I call this the Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome. The woman will sometimes drop everything as if someone has yelled, “FIRE!” leaving behind sentimental items (even family heirlooms), important legal documents, her child’s favorite belongings, and even money, just to run to a man who has given her the slightest attention. As if she has blinders on, she knows she’s making poor decisions but goes anyway because she’s convinced if she’s with Clyde, all the pieces will magically fall into place. What I have seen is that Clyde will most likely disappear from the picture in a very short period of time, leaving Bonnie clueless how to pick up the pieces. And by then, she has probably done too much damage to pick up where she left off, and she may even land in jail or lose custody of her children, taking giant steps backward in her plan for a new life.

 
“If you could name one of the scariest traits in a toxic relationship, what would it be and why?”
 

·      With time, the woman’s confidence grows weaker and weaker until it’s totally gone. Then it is even harder to restore. And what she doesn’t realize, is that her lack of confidence actually makes her less attractive to him, which only compounds the abuse.

·      One thing I believe is especially tragic, is that the women teach their daughters to settle for less, to expect less, and to tolerate abusive behavior. This does nothing but create another abusive relationship down the road – it becomes familiar to the child. But this also applies to the son. He learns that women are not to be treated with respect and he will look for women in the future who will take the same abuse. In fact, we often find ourselves teaching little boys to not use violence toward their mothers because they have already learned this is acceptable behavior. Many women say they stay with an abusive man “for the sake of the children” but they don’t realize they are teaching their children the same behavior, which will likely be repeated. 

***** 

After doing this work for 21 years, I have just recently seen something in a new light, that was in our faces all this time, but I suspect we looked the other way because we saw no solution and that was just the way it was. It’s the father’s role in all of this. We all know women tend to look for partners like their fathers – healthy or unhealthy. But I think I underestimated the overall impact of this obvious issue. 
 
We recently had a routine exercise at Blue Monarch where our residents described in great detail their life stories, what led them to addiction, and how they wanted us to help in their recovery. Sometimes we only schedule a few at a time because the stories are so heavy, they are hard to digest in large doses. 
 
But as I reflected on the testimonies that I heard that day, I noticed how many of the women were still grieving over what they didn’t get from their fathers as children. This issue was like a broken record I had heard it so many times, but somehow this day it got my attention. 

Andrea (not her real name) described how her mom decided one day she no longer wanted to be a mother and dumped her children at their father’s doorstep. He provided a roof over their heads, but that was basically all he did. He was either drunk or absent, which created a breeding ground for her sexual abuse by an older sibling. She still felt the pain from her father's neglect and his failure to protect her.
 
Brittany (also not her name) described how her father abandoned her as a small child and she had been longing for that relationship ever since. Even as a grown adult, she told this story with tears streaming down her face as if it happened yesterday.
 
It wasn’t until that moment that I realized the “Clyde” we see Bonnie chasing over and over may actually be her father, not her prince in shining armor. Perhaps it’s not about seeking companionship or even sex. Bonnie is convinced Clyde will make everything okay somehow – just like a good father would do. And if he shows her any attention, she has to grab it while she can! "FIRE!"
 
So, at this point, what can we possibly do about this? We can’t re-create father-daughter relationships when so many of the fathers are missing, unidentified, disinterested, or dead. 
 
As I pondered this question, I looked out my office window and found one of the answers, which gave me hope. Playing outside were some of our Blue Monarch boys who also struggle because they don’t have healthy fathers. But there’s no reason they can’t learn what that looks like! So, we are beginning a new program to teach our boys what it means to be a good father, and with lots of time and prayer, I believe they will love their kids one day in a way they and their moms never knew. It may take a while to see the results, but it's worth the wait and the effort. They are future fathers and we have a valuable window of opportunity to change the lives of their children one day.
 

But here’s one last question, I hear it a lot, and it leads to our best answer:
 
“What do you think your successful graduates have in common?”
 

·      That’s also easy. They develop a personal relationship with God, and he becomes their father. They no longer seek someone to fill that gap because they feel complete. It is then that they find the healthiest relationships that add to their lives – instead of taking away from who they are and what they have built. And that's what every Bonnie will find if she can ignore Clyde long enough to get to know her Father. 

 

Lord, these are big problems and big hurts to solve. Please guide us as we teach our boys to be healthy fathers and lead our women and children to know you as Father.  Amen