"Can we address the ghost in the room?"

Sometimes the loudest person in the room is someone we cannot see or hear. It’s the dad. Even though he may be in prison, missing in action, or even dead, he walks among us, lives with us, and his presence is undeniable. 

Because we serve moms and their kids, we often forget there is a father out there somewhere who plays a prominent role – even if we never see him. Perhaps we have simply become accustomed to the fact that fathers are typically not a part of the families we see.

It’s no secret that the “family” has been under attack for quite some time and there is a significant shift that has taken place even in my lifetime.

For instance, although I knew my grandfather for only a few years, I still display this little dress where I can see it every day. He took me on an exciting shopping trip when I was only a toddler, which was such a special treat because it was just the two of us – something that rarely happened. Just looking at this dress gives me a warm feeling inside. The dress represents his love for me that I tangibly felt in that moment. (I can't help but notice my favorite color today was already my favorite color as a child.)

And even though I keep this velvet vest stuffed away in a closet, and it will never fit me again in a million years, I have preserved it all this time because my dad is the one who taught me to sew and it’s something we did together. He and I made it when I was a teenager, including the velvet covered buttons and satin lining. (He learned how to sew in the Navy and lied about his age to get in.)

Where are the memories like these for our Blue Monarch kids? They barely know their fathers, much less their grandfathers. But they are very aware something big is missing. And it’s the ghost in the room.

I often feel our boys want a father even more than their sisters do. They’re angry their fathers are not there for them and the easiest persons to blame are the moms. Surely, it’s the mother’s fault the father left. She must have done something to make him no longer want his family. So, the boys strike out at their moms (sometimes literally) out of overwhelming anger. 

And then there are the times when a mom must stand firm and not allow her son to spend time with his father, even if he’s available, because she knows he’s still in addiction. Or he is so unreliable, she can’t allow him to hurt their son anymore, and the only way to prevent disappointment and heartbreak is to remove the risk. I can't count the number of times I have seen a boy completely crushed when his father doesn't show up for a visit, call when he says he will, or do the thing he has promised.

But the children are not the only ones wrestling with the invisible man. Many times, I have heard a woman tearfully confess she struggles to bond with her son because she sees the face of his father every time she looks at him. I know. That’s hurtful to imagine, but I have heard this so many times, it’s a legitimate problem.

Of course, this is typically a case where the father of that boy was abusive, or the man hurt her so deeply she can’t even tolerate a younger version of his face.

Naturally, this develops into bigger issues because somewhere, deep down, the son knows he is treated differently than his sisters. He can’t help but pick up on the little subtleties. Perhaps his mom grabs for the hand of his sister but never reaches for his. Or she simply shows affection for his siblings in a way he never experiences himself. This is a disturbing phenomenon, something she is not proud of, and one we address and correct with time. (Yet another reason our program is a lengthy one, thank goodness.)

We currently have a six-year-old boy with over-the-top behavioral issues. This is not unusual for a child who has suffered severe trauma, but we eventually discovered the ghost in the room was at the center of his anger. Even though he has not seen his father since he was a two-year-old, (because his dad has been incarcerated) the boy is grieving the loss of that relationship. Perhaps he is observing other children at church or school with their fathers, and it is becoming more and more obvious his own is absent.

In the meantime, we’ve noticed this first grader is becoming increasingly attached to a special blanket. He wants to carry it everywhere he goes, which seems a little surprising at his age. But one day we realized, the blanket is covered in photographs that date back to the last time his father was in his life – when he was a two-year-old. Now it makes all kinds of sense and explains why he is so fiercely protective of it.

In much the same way my toddler dress and homemade vest are special to me, this blanket is a possession this boy cherishes and something to which he is emotionally attached. The difference is, my objects bring back good memories that are only part of the big scrapbook in my head. His memories stopped four years ago, and the blanket is all he has left.

So, what do we do about the ghost in the room that causes so much turmoil and heartache? Well, for the dads who decide they want to resurface in the child’s life, we have developed policies and procedures that equip the father to be a healthier parent, evaluate his level of commitment, and are designed to protect the child from further harm. Honestly, I wish courts would require the same.

For dads who will never return, we provide trauma therapy, mentorship, and counseling to help the child heal from the wounds left behind by the ghost in the room. In fact, we have seen unbelievable, supernatural healing for this. For example, we had a boy who witnessed the death of his father, leaving him traumatized and basically emotionless. He never changed the expression on his face and rarely interacted with other kids. But after working with his trauma, he eventually came to life in a dramatic way and began playing like all the other children. It was a miracle. And fortunately, these services are available to all our kids.

But here is the most important and effective treatment for our kids who suffer so much loss. Alongside their moms, we help the children establish a relationship with their Heavenly Father who will never let them down, will never leave, and will always love them no matter what. For the kids who truly grasp this truth, the ghost in the room eventually finds his appropriate spot where he no longer causes harm, and the children begin looking forward with expectation rather than dwelling in the past. 

When these boys become fathers to their own kids one day, I truly believe they will follow in the footsteps of the Father who healed them and held them tight. And at that point they will create happy memories for children who will never have to struggle with a ghost in the room.