"What's behind the devil on that wall?"

 *Please note names have been changed.

Many years ago, I had the opportunity to step inside the Tennessee State Penitentiary in Nashville after it was permanently closed. The creepy, majestic, gothic structure was being used to film a movie, which was how I got my foot in the door. What I saw that day was forever burned into my memory.

The metal catwalks around and around the large center space went up several floors and endless tiny cells lined the walls with nasty toilets exposed. But what struck me the most was the hand-painted mural art in each cell. Apparently, the prisoners were allowed to paint the walls of their cells however they liked, which implied there was little turnover. Or did a new prisoner have to live with the art of another inmate whether he liked it or not? Surely they didn’t pull out an assortment of paint every time someone moved in.

 

At first glance it was an amazing collection of primitive folk art, and the drastic differences from cell to cell were striking. I remember two in particular that were side by side. One had a warm living room scene with a fireplace on the far wall. A pretend window showcased a beautiful yard with flowers. The colors were soft and pleasant, and I don’t even remember seeing the toilet that was successfully camouflaged.

 

The cell next door, however, was a stark contrast to this comforting scene. Red, orange, and black were the only colors used to illustrate angry flames of fire surrounding the artist’s grotesque rendition of the devil himself. Every inch of the cell was encased in darkness, causing it to look like a hellish cave. 

 

I’m sure, all those years ago, I immediately assumed the comfy living room scene belonged to a man who saw the glass as half full and probably read his Bible a lot. The man next door was undoubtedly a nasty, vulgar creature who terrorized anyone who crossed his path. I could only imagine who disliked his neighbor more.

 

But after twenty years of observing, studying, and loving hundreds of women at Blue Monarch, I don’t believe I would draw the same conclusions today. I could easily place a number of women in either cell, but let’s take two who immediately come to mind.

 

Kaitlyn loved to come across very angry, aggressive, and cold. I could easily see her in the “hell” cell. She even had red hair, which would have fit in perfectly with the theme. Kaitlyn was proud of her “badness,” which had protected her for many years. No one messed with her in jail, and she could part a crowd with only a look whenever she entered a room. Her very presence commanded a certain, yet unhealthy, respect. But Kaitlyn was covering up what was truly in her heart. Behind that rough exterior was a very broken child.

 

She grieved the loss of a childhood she would never have, and she experienced so much horrific trauma from people she should have been able to trust, she secretly feared everyone in her path. She was convinced every last person had nefarious intentions, no matter how many times they assured her otherwise. Kaitlyn had lived through so much hell, it was probably all she knew - or thought she deserved.

 

But let’s look at Alexandra. She was the woman everyone wanted to follow from the minute she walked through our door. She was beautiful and presented a picture of perfection. To the others, it was puzzling why she would find herself in a program like ours. She was creative and gifted beyond her years and had grown up with opportunities and benefits the others could only imagine, which immediately gave her a certain level of honor and credibility. There was something magically intoxicating about Alexandra that naturally drew others to her, and everyone secretly hoped to be her favorite. Her influence was evident because it eventually caused some of our residents to compromise their own convictions just because Alexandra put them under some kind of unseen pressure to do so. It was a curious thing to observe. 

 

Even though Alexandra looked entirely “put together” and had the qualities of a natural leader, her heart was extremely dark, and she only cared about herself. Even her own child moved up and down the totem pole, depending on the benefits for Alexandra in that moment. You had to pay close attention to notice. The picture of perfection was a facade, and she knew it. She used her charisma to lure others down a path that looked fluffy on the outside but was ultimately destructive in the end. In fact, once caught in Alexandra’s grip, it was difficult to pry her loose. She managed to collect damaging information about her friends after coercing them to break the rules, which gave her powerful leverage and control whenever she decided to cash in. What this did to others’ recovery was of no concern to her.

 

So, how do you think the two of them turned out? 

 

Kaitlyn eventually, over a long period of time, learned to trust our staff and see that we were there to help, not hurt her. With great difficulty, she finally opened up and revealed the horrific things she experienced as a child and discovered how the pain inflicted on her at such a young age affected the choices she made as an adult. With tremendous grief, she gave up the hope that she could somehow recapture her childhood and get a do-over with loving parents, and she shifted her focus to her own children who longed for the same thing from her. Kaitlyn developed a sweet relationship with God and replaced the darkness in her “cell” with light, hope, and even joy that was evident on her face and the faces of her children. 

 

Alexandra, on the other hand, left early over something minor when she didn’t get her way and ran to her usual enablers who immediately picked up where they left off, once again preventing her from having to make any changes. She relapsed shortly after, overdosed more than once, landed herself in jail a couple of times, and yet always painted the happy, comfy scene on social media as if her life was perfect. Her posts were just as fake as the window showcasing the imaginary flowers in that cell. Sadly, this pattern will most likely repeat itself until Alexandra can be honest about what is truly in her heart.

 

Once Alexandra left Blue Monarch, the ones she had manipulated were able to see that her magic was destructive and the whole community felt healthier and happier with her out of the picture. The longer she was gone, the more they realized she had stolen from them; joy, relationships with others, quality time with their children, and growth in their recovery. They thrived in her absence and learned some discernment that will be valuable in the future. In fact, they will be able to pass that wisdom along to their children as well.

 

In many ways, posts on social media are no different than the hand painted cells in that prison. What you see may not be what you get. We should hesitate to assume the art on the wall truly reflects what is in the heart. Underneath all that paint may be a desperate cry for help and we will miss it if we aren’t listening.

Lord, help us to always look beyond the picture on the wall and into the heart where you long to be. Amen

"Did I cry too much on the stand?"

There were many times when I wished I could be more like my daughter. She didn't fret over the details, even the ones that would have made me crazy. Such as, wearing a thin "church sock" on one foot and a thick athletic sock on the other for an entire day at school. Or if her shirt was accidentally inside-out and backwards, so be it. I have longed for that gift, and it has served my daughter well through the years when she couldn't afford to let distracting inconsistencies take her eyes off the big picture.

My over-attention to detail and order sometimes feels like a curse. Having had a restaurant of my own in the past, I cannot walk into one without immediately counting the number of burned-out lightbulbs or straw wrappers on the floor, how many times the phone rings before someone finally answers it, and if there is a misspelled word on the menu, it jumps right off the page and screams at me.  
 
The grocery store often falls short of my expectations. There have been a few unforgiveable moments in the checkout line recently, ones that have been difficult to unsee. For instance, there was the clerk who made the mistake of grabbing too many produce items at one time and somehow thought it made sense to sling my green onions under her armpit until she could get to them. Needless to say, the green onions went into the trash on my way out the door. 
 
And then there was the cashier about to start her shift one day, till full of cash in her arms, and what looked like a cigarette sticking out of one of her nostrils. Apparently, she had a nosebleed and a rolled-up Kleenex stuck inside her nose that hung out about three inches. I was ever so grateful she wasn’t taking over for my own cashier and when I looked at her as if to say, “Hey, did you remember you had that thing sticking out of your nose?” she gave me a defiant look right back as if to reply with a snarky “What’s your problem?” No one seemed to be the least bit offended by what was happening, including the customers in her aisle, and even the manager who clearly saw it. What in the world? Where are the people who care about the details?
 
So, considering the standard I try to set and maintain at Blue Monarch, one might imagine it would be hard for me to live with the natural clunkiness, chaos, and millions of moving parts that come with serving lots of women and children. I will admit, it is challenging. There is an element of surrender I must exercise every single unpredictable day, which begins with a deep breath and a prayer. I can do this. Big picture, big picture. 

Nevertheless, even though some details may occasionally fall through the cracks and the day rarely goes as planned, I have discovered this one thing: God acts on his own time and the miracle often happens in spite of us - in a way we never expect.
 
Take this incredible mother for instance. Jessie waited, and waited, and waited to be reunited with her daughter - a separation that only got more painful with each passing day, not easier. She woke up every morning to a tremendous loss - another day in her child's life she would never get back. No doubt, she must have asked herself a million times, “Should I have worn another outfit to court?”, “Did I cry too much on the stand?” She probably exhausted herself, wondering what she should have done differently to get her daughter back. What detail did she overlook?
 
And as an organization backing her throughout this process, we poured into her circumstances and made multiple out-of-state trips, consulted with professionals, sought the best advice, submitted all the required documents, supplied letters of recommendation, presented all Jessie's accomplishments, educated the court on our history of restoring families. We checked all the boxes, but her situation continued to drag on with little hope. There were days when this custody case seemed to take one step forward and two steps back as if there was an invisible force working against us. With a bit of weariness, we began to question what we might have overlooked or what we should have done better. 

It's times like this when we are tempted to ask ourselves, "Did I not pray enough or use the right words?", "Should I have fasted more?", "Did I not get the God formula right?" 
 
As we have often seen, one day with absolutely no warning, God made Jessie's situation come together by speaking to the heart of someone who could change the tide, someone we least expected. In the blink of an eye, this mother and her little girl were back together again.
 
Did we pay too much attention to the details? I don’t think so because it’s our duty to perform our jobs with excellence. That is the standard we uphold at Blue Monarch in everything we do, which honors God and the ones we serve. 

But I suspect when God was good and ready to restore this family, it wouldn’t have mattered if our socks were matching or not. He finds perfection in our imperfection anyway. Besides, you can’t tell me this picture isn’t already perfect in every way. Yep, I don't think I would change a thing.

Lord, please teach us to find peace in expectancy of your faithfulness.  Amen.

"Can we please come back here?"

As we approached our 20^th Anniversary Celebration my mind began doing somersaults. I noticed I was recalling random memories from not just the past twenty years, but my entire life. It was like a constant movie reel of things I had not thought about in many years, if ever. I finally decided to pay more attention and see if there was a common theme. Were they all related to some challenge I overcame that helped me at Blue Monarch? I thought I was onto something until I had the memory of wandering to a nearby creek as a four-year-old, scooping up tadpoles and swallowing them to see if they might turn into frogs in my stomach. Guess not.   

 

This incredible milestone walked simultaneously with the release of my new book, From My Front Row Seat, which has been another mind-blowing experience for me because it reveals personal experiences, some rather supernatural, that I have never shared in public. (My privacy bubble is quite large.) Was I the only one having nightmares of being naked on the playground? 

 

So, it’s been several weeks since our 20^th Anniversary Celebration, the random memories have ended, but I realize I have been avoiding writing about that day. As I scan through the photos from this magnificent event, I am aware of why the delay. It’s so dang emotional.

 

Twenty years is an eternity - and it is the blink of an eye. I remember thinking I wanted to do something to mark such a milestone, but “let’s keep it simple and laid back.” Ha. It turned into quite a production with an enormous tent (at the very spot we hope to build a multi-purpose building soon), hundreds of chairs, a string of food trucks, a dozen golf carts, an afternoon and evening full of activities, and a million details that I dumped on poor Deanna, with nearly 425 in attendance throughout the day. But that event will be the “happy place” in my head for quite some time. It was spectacular and this photo says it all. Just look at how the clouds dropped out of the sky and nearly landed on our tent - and I’ll let you come up with your own theory about the interesting cloud in the corner that doesn’t match the others. Yes, it’s fun to speculate.

 

I thought I’d take you on a stroll of these photos through my eyes - in no particular order.

 

Let’s take this one of Howell Adams. My word, this man believed in me when there was no reason to, and nearly a thousand women and children have been served since that day when I was nothing more than a stranger with an ambitious plan on paper. “Thank you” will always feel completely inadequate but we keep saying it anyway.

 

Our campus is named after Howell and his wife, Madeline, and through the generosity of key individuals and lots of generous folks, it has grown from 50 acres and 3 homes to 108 acres with 14 homes since we opened in 2003. We were excited to offer a first-ever tour of our entire property. Our residents were so proud to host our guests at each stop along the way and show off their beautiful home. 

We had guests who traveled many hours from numerous states to share this day with us. One was very special to me, personally, and came all the way from Chicago. Alicia was my very first assistant in 2014 and she always encouraged, okay pushed me, to write my Blue Monarch experiences in the form of a blog. It was exciting to hand her a book that includes a collection of powerful stories that I am now grateful she inspired me to record. I was moved by the people who wanted a signed copy of their own and hope they will be blessed by what they read.

 

While I was signing books, someone came up behind me and gave me a big bear hug. Before I could turn around, he whispered in my ear, “Can we please come back here? I felt safe here.” It was a boy who had lived here in the past with his mom and siblings. The whole gang had come to celebrate the day with us and as the one who has probably been the man in the family from time to time, he was looking for a way to keep his family safe. It struck me how Blue Monarch creates a sense of family that stays alive as long as the ones who leave want it to. No doubt, this boy will someday be a protective father and strive to create a home like he had with us. As I looked at this young man with his siblings I was reminded of the impact they had on our program. We now have better accommodations for larger families with almost two generations of children. I made a mental note to follow up and make sure there wasn't more to that comment.

 

This was just one example of the families who returned to visit that incredible day - because Blue Monarch feels like home. In fact, this young lady and her mom surprised me and showed up. They lived with us in our first year. As this beautiful young woman sat here waiting on our program to begin, little did she know we would show a video from our first year and her four-year-old spunky self would be in it. I remember her family's struggles back then and it is so great to see them both doing so well now. Oh, my heart.

I am grateful for my “front row seat” but I wanted to be surrounded by our incredible staff and my husband who share that front row with me. There was even a seat for Alicia, of course. We had a blast! There was an almost giddy sense of joy in the air, all of us were on the verge of tears at the magnitude of the day, and we simply had loads of fun and lots of laughs. I even cracked myself up sometimes.  

Jeannie shared her experience as one of our first residents and now serving as our Program Director. Lauren described her journey at Blue Monarch that not only resulted in her serving as our Director of Case Management, but also gave her the confidence to become a pilot. And Savannah, who is currently in our program and recently regained custody of her three children after a long, painful separation, shared her story with a standing ovation. When I looked at the photos from the day, there were many of Savannah getting hugs by lots of people congratulating her afterward. 

Of course, we took the opportunity to lift up the amazing women of Blue Monarch and I think the look on Taylor’s face says it all. Just look how proud she is - and for good reason. Blue Monarch is not for sissies.   

Even from the get-go I wanted to make sure we gave God all the glory for the hundreds, perhaps thousands, of miracles we have seen at Blue Monarch over the past twenty years. We ended the day with a powerful praise and worship concert and Natural State Band helped us do just that.

 

Thinking back over the past twenty years at Blue Monarch, there is only one way to ever understand it. Glory be to God. Nothing else makes any sense whatsoever and that brings me great peace as we face the next twenty years.

Now glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of - infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes. Ephesians 3:20

"Holy cow."

"The good news is that they want to publish your book. But there are a few changes you need to make."

“Like what?”

 

“Well, they want you to take out all the profanity and gore, for example.”

 

“Are we talking about the same book?”

 

I was devastated. For the past year I had been working on a book, which was a collection of my blog posts through the years, and the process had been exhausting, confusing, and very frustrating. I thought we were near the finish line, and this felt like a huge punch in the stomach. 

 

The woman on the phone represented a well-known Christian publisher so this was like hearing I wasn’t Christian enough. And I didn’t remember any profanity or gore.

 

She sent me four pages of changes that needed to be made - and the profanity section was at the top. They were nice to provide some examples of where I had used profanity. The first two were “Holy cow" and "Oh my word." Seriously?

 

I jumped to the gore section. One example was when I described how a little girl made a huge puddle on the kitchen floor during lunch, still wearing her bathing suit after swim lessons. Is that really considered “gore?”  

 

For complete disclosure, there was one example where I had used “H - E - double hockey sticks” but it was an important component to the story and if changed, it would totally lose its impact.

 

In fact, as I scanned the four pages of changes they required, I began to get completely offended and even a little hurt. Not for myself - but for the women and children we serve. Watering down their experiences would not honor their journeys. They didn’t get the opportunity to dilute their trauma or abuse. 

 

I called the woman back and said, “This list is a great example of why some people don’t like Christians. In fact, I don’t think I want their name on my book.” Out of curiosity, I asked for some clarification on the profanity. She explained that my use of “Holy cow” and “Oh my word” was a substitution for something else that was unacceptable. I asked what we should say if we stump our toe, and she had no answer.  

 

I went on to explain how I felt about altering the stories and why that wasn’t an option. Surprisingly, she sympathized and gave me several examples of authors, even pastors, who felt the same. And then she added, “Well, just so you know, they don’t even allow talking animals in children’s books anymore.” I couldn’t let that one go without pointing out the talking donkey in the Bible. Geez. 

 

So, it was back to the drawing board. I felt like an entire year had been wasted and it was tempting to give up. But through nothing less than divine intervention, I found someone who published Christian books but saw no need to water down or sugar coat the material. In fact, they totally got it. I scrolled through the books they had published before and immediately felt a connection. “Yes! Those are my people.” And now that book will be released in a few weeks!

Remarkably, as it turns out, because of the delay, From My Front Row Seat will be coming out just a few days before our 20th Anniversary at Blue Monarch, so the timing is perfect. What a wonderful way to celebrate such a powerful twenty year long journey.

 

This entire process has been an emotional one. One I had planned to experience at the end of my life, not now. For the past twenty years, when anyone asked me, “Can you believe what’s happened at Blue Monarch?” I would respond with, “I try not to think about it. If I do, I may start crying and never stop. I will think about that when I get to heaven and have more time.”

 

As I have read, re-read, and edited the stories a million times, I have relived some of my most memorable experiences at Blue Monarch over and over. They have caused me to tear up when I least expected it, and they have taken my breath away even though I knew the ending. It has been such an honor to walk alongside the women and children we serve as they navigate the treacherous road to recovery and healing. And at the very least, I hope I have honored them in the way I have shared their stories.

 

Today is such a great example of my Blue Monarch life. This morning one of our moms regained custody of her three children. It has been an uphill battle since the beginning, and there were days her fight to restore her family took the support of our entire team. It’s been a tough one. There were players involved who were unscrupulously trying to terminate her parental rights and permanently sever her relationship with them. I shudder to think of what might have happened if she had not been surrounded by strong folks to help navigate that clunky process with her. And I can’t help but think of the moms out there who may not have the support they need and needlessly lose their children forever.

 

But I want to share another Blue Monarch miracle story with you before I close. It’s one of my favorites and will be the last one I share before we turn 20 on April 15!

 

I have struggled to find a way to describe this because of the nature of the details, but I think I have figured out a way to do so. (I doubt the first publisher would approve, but that only makes it more fun to tell now. It’s not about a talking animal, but a talking dollhouse sink instead.)

Let’s say “Alyssa” was not an adorable little girl, but a dollhouse sink named, “Alice.” Alice came to Blue Monarch with her mom and siblings having suffered from neglect and suspected sexual abuse at her young age. Her family was complicated. Each one of them had severe, equally traumatic issues of their own, but as a group they hung together in their mess.

 

One of the first things we discovered was that Alice was having problems with her faucet. Her plumbing was too small, which meant lots of unpleasant visits over months and months to doctors and specialists to figure out a solution. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. Needless to say, its’ no dollhouse sink’s dream to go through that.

 

Once Alice’s faucet got to working properly, she had another problem. This time with her garbage disposal. Lots of food would go down the drain but for weeks it would just get clogged in the pipes. This resulted in even more trips to doctors and specialists, yet again, no fun for a cute little dollhouse sink.

 

Finally, the clogged pipes sent Alice to the hospital. The problem had become so severe it required days in the hospital with strategic treatments of all kinds. As with any clogged sink, there are numerous approaches that increase in intensity and unpleasantness. It was no fun for Alice or her mom, who became more frantic and frightened with every day. Alice remained very brave for a young little sink, and I have a colorful birdhouse she made for me while sitting in the hospital for so many days.

 

None of the methods to unclog Alice’s pipes worked, much to the dismay of the doctors and nurses. After several days went by with no results, there was talk of surgery, which seemed to be the last resort. Oh, no. 

 

At this point it seemed there was no justice for Alice, the sweet little dollhouse sink. She didn’t deserve this. How much could a little sink take? She had been through more than many adult sinks experience in an entire lifetime. 

 

After several days with loads of prayers but no luck whatsoever, another test was done to examine the clogged pipes in preparation for possible surgery. Shortly after, however, Alice’s mother was notified they were being discharged and sent home as if the hospital was simply giving up. 

 

Alice’s mom was hysterical. “I’m not taking her home until this problem gets resolved!” Even the nurse advised her to stand her ground and refuse to be discharged until there was a plan to solve the problem. After all, what could potentially happen if she went home with no resolution to the clogged pipes?

 

Finally, the doctor came in to speak to Alice and her mom. He showed them the x-ray from that morning. “We have no way to understand or explain this, but the clog is completely gone. See, it’s no longer there.” 

 

“But where did it go?”

 

“We don’t have an answer for that.” 

 

Well, we do. It’s another Blue Monarch miracle and a great example of how God is in the details - even Alice’s clogged pipes, which have been working fine ever since. And this little sink and her mom learned the power of prayer in a way they will never forget. 

 

All I can say is, “Holy cow...oh my word...and thank you, Jesus.” Yep, it’s been a great twenty years, and it's an honor to share them from my front row seat.

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." Mark 10:27 NIV

From My Front Row Seat is available on our online store and also Amazon, where E-book and Audiobook (in author's voice) are available.

  

 

 

 

"If I don't come to Blue Monarch, I'm going to die!"

We were accustomed to getting calls from women who were desperate, but this one stood out from the rest. We never have the space for all the women who apply, but this applicant was trying to solve our space problem for us. “I’ll even share a room with someone if I need to! If I don’t come to Blue Monarch, I’m going to die!” 

Her suggestion was taken to heart, and we put her in a room with another woman who didn’t have her children with her yet. They could share our largest room until that mom was reunited with her children and then we’d figure something out.

I asked a former staff member about Deanna’s custody situation with her own three children and the answer was, “It’s pretty hopeless. It’s too late to do anything about it.”

Deanna had an eighteen-year meth addiction, and a history of incarceration and poor choices that had cost her everything she owned. But worst of all, she had lost what was most precious to her: her children. Deanna still had a relationship with her 17-year-old daughter (who was beyond our age limit to live at Blue Monarch with her), but her parental rights had been terminated regarding her middle son, and she had lost custody of her youngest daughter and was not allowed any communication with her, either. Yeah, it looked pretty bad. At this point it had been over a year since she had seen her 11-year-old son, and 9-year-old daughter.

Nevertheless, there was a particular day when Deanna made the decision to soak up every single thing that she could from her Blue Monarch recovery experience. She dove in with everything she had, became a leader in the community (that is still reflected by her peers’ success), and did her recovery work with robust determination. She refused to waste time on meaningless conflict, gossip, or drama. Meanwhile her heart continued to break over the loss of her children - a situation that didn’t seem to be getting any traction whatsoever. 

Our program focuses on the reunification of moms and kids, so Deanna often watched mothers get their children back and she was surrounded by lots of reminders of what she had lost. Nevertheless, she loved on the children around her as if they were her own. And she unselfishly shared in the excitement of all the other moms who successfully got their families back together, even if she did so with tears in her eyes.

Despite the heavy weight Deanna constantly carried with her, she excelled in everything she touched. She did exceptional work in her classes yet maintained an impressive level of humility. She graduated from our program and moved into our WINGS transitional community yet saw no progress in reuniting with her children, which I can only imagine was embarrassing and disheartening.

Recognizing Deanna’s amazing skills and strong business mind, we promoted her to supervisor for our granola business, Out of the Blue. And shortly after that we began employing her as an administrative assistant for Blue Monarch, too. Then, in no time, we put her in charge of our biggest fundraising event of the year. She marched across the stage with the other residents during the cardboard testimonies carrying a sign that said, “NEEDLE JUNKIE” on one side and “ORGANIZED THIS BANQUET” on the other. The crowd roared. 

It became more and more obvious that Deanna was a genius. In fact, even with all her responsibilities at Blue Monarch she somehow got her bachelor’s degree and graduated with a 4.0 average going to night school. I often tell her, if she hadn’t gotten sidetracked with drugs, I believe she could have cured cancer.

Meanwhile there were many days when Deanna collapsed in tears and continued to grieve over the ongoing separation from her children. The overwhelming pain was tangible and even painful to watch. I am ashamed to admit our staff probably reached a point where we felt there were no options but to accept the painful reality that nothing could be done for Deanna to restore her family. But there was a day when all that changed.

Deanna marched into my office, slammed the photos of her children on my desk and said, “Their names are Maison and Makenna. I want you to see their faces because I am not giving up and I need your help!” This was a game changer for me. I realized in that moment that we never should have accepted what looked hopeless - and quite frankly, I wish I had never listened to that nonsense in the beginning. I vowed to never tolerate that kind of declaration again. With God there is always hope.

We arranged for Deanna to get help from a local attorney who was willing to take on her difficult case. A generous donor agreed to help with the legal expenses. And Deanna put on her boots and began the long, treacherous process to get what she wanted. I could see she would not stop until she did.

That process took supernatural patience and humility. It went at a snail’s pace, and Deanna made hundreds of unreasonable compromises. But after six frustrating years, Deanna and her daughter were reunited, and she eventually regained custody. She had two of her three children back - but there was another and she would not rest until she had reestablished a relationship with him, too. 

After seven long years of separation, I am happy to say Deanna was eventually reunited with her son as well. She finally had her family back together after a fight that was one of the most remarkable undertakings I have ever seen. I wish we could take credit for it, but I have to say, Deanna and God did this, and she has never hesitated to give him the glory.

In fact, from the outside looking in, I would say this entire situation took a dramatic turn when Deanna finally lifted it up to God and completely surrendered it to him. She reached a point where she was willing to accept his will, regardless of the form that might take. And God blessed her tremendously for that commitment. I think Blue Monarch simply offered her a safe place to heal, surrounded by people who loved her, while she and God worked out the details.

Deanna is now the Administration Director at Blue Monarch, and my best description is that if any one person on our staff got hit by a train, she would pick up the pieces the next day and make sure we never skipped a beat. She beautifully manages every special project I throw her way, she understands our finances inside and out, she knows every detail of our granola business, she can juggle a million balls at one time or solve any problem with a smile, she loves and hugs on every child that crosses our threshold - and she appreciates, firsthand, the loss and regret for every mother we serve. 

But it’s the words of encouragement I overhear her say from time to time that probably carry the most weight for the women we serve. “I promise you; God can do it. No matter how hopeless it looks, do not give up.” Perhaps we should all listen to her. She knows what she's talking about.

Update: In 2023, Deanna was appointed Executive Director of Blue Monarch! I am proud to share the enormous responsibility of Blue Monarch with her. And I'm delighted she does such a wonderful job of running the daily operation so I can focus on upcoming big projects and future expansion. What a testament to the success and effectiveness of our program to have a graduate  in this position!

 

"Mary, did you know you could have said no?"

This year I discovered a tiny part of the Christmas story I never noticed before. As I listened to a pastor read the familiar passage in the book of Luke, something jumped out at me. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.” Luke 1:30-31

It did not say, “Guess what, Mary, you are pregnant, (and how you got that way is complicated) but this is what you are going to do.” Gabriel told her what was going to happen before it did. This meant Mary had an opportunity to say no. Wow. I never thought about that. There’s that amazing gift of free will, even in the most critical world changing moment. I wonder if God even had a backup plan if she declined. Was there a group of “Mary Runners-up?”

That was Mary’s chance to say, “No, thank you. I’m flattered but I think I’ll pass.” Instead, what Mary did was go right into the storm with nothing but tremendous blind faith and obedience - even though she had to know it was not going to be easy and she probably felt in her spirit that it would break her heart at some point. However, she knew the mission was worth the price she would pay and that there would be beautiful blessings along the way that would belong to only her.

I think this passage jumped out at me because of a question someone asked me recently. I had just described some of the intense problems we had experienced over the past year, extremely severe issues regarding the children we serve that were way beyond anything we had seen in almost twenty years. The level of trauma and resulting behavior have been staggering.

“After everything you have been through with the children you serve, has it caused you to re-think whether you should include children at Blue Monarch?”

Yikes.  My immediate response was, “Absolutely not! It makes me want to serve them better.” I couldn't help but briefly imagine what might have happened if some of those families had not come to Blue Monarch for help.

I have the amazing privilege and honor of working with some incredible women of God. Every person on our staff comes to work each day not knowing what she will face before the day is out. She may get called a “big fat (blank)” and spit on by an angry child, or she may see a mother finally reunited with her children after we have prayed and cried with her and poured countless hours through the treacherous process to restore her family. Both can potentially happen on the same day. It can feel like quite a roller coaster ride.

But our gifted team doesn’t turn away from this challenge. In fact, in many ways I feel I work with a team of fierce first responders. When the building is on fire, they are the ones to run directly into it rather than turn and run away. In fact, I don’t even think you can work at Blue Monarch and not be willing to run directly into the fire and never look back.

Heroes that serve heroes

We are about to enter our 20th year at Blue Monarch, which is a little overwhelming to even comprehend. But it is because I am surrounded by a team of first responders with hearts of Mary that I look forward to whatever the new year brings.

After all, we have yet to experience a year that is not full of God's breathtaking miracles that he graciously allows me to see from my worn-out front row seat. May it be a Happy New Year, indeed. 

 

"Who broke the jar?!"

Like a lot of kids my age, I had my tonsils removed when I was younger. I asked the doctor if I could keep them, and much to my mother’s regret he was happy to oblige. I came home with a sore throat, all the ice cream I could eat, and two nasty looking tonsils floating in some kind of clear liquid.  

The jar of tonsils had an important job to do and were immediately tucked away on the top shelf in my closet.  

I had a powder blue diary with flowers on the front, along with a small metal lock to keep out intruders. The tiny key was kept in a separate undisclosed location that I frequently moved for extra security. Nevertheless, I was still concerned someone might read my private thoughts, so this diary eventually became the decoy diary. It developed into a false narrative about how much I loved practicing the piano, going to church, and minding my parents - just in case.  

The real diary was out of sight strategically hidden behind the jar of tonsils. That journal described a night when my friend, Janet, and I sneaked out of her house to smoke a cigarette down by the creek and how I watched another friend steal bikini underwear from a dime store downtown. I don’t think it included how disgusting the cigarette tasted or how I lost respect for my friend for being a thief. I probably couldn’t include those things because this diary was the raw, uncut version, which meant there was a standard of badness to uphold. In the meantime, the tonsils were there to discourage anyone who might be tempted to dig.

One day I came home, and the jar of tonsils had fallen off the shelf and broken wide open on the floor. The odor was something so hideous it became the standard by which to measure all bad smells the rest of my life. I was mostly concerned about the diary and potential invasion of privacy and vowed to never put my secrets on paper again. Even to this day, I keep a dream journal but that’s it.

As I observe the incredible women of Blue Monarch, I am often impressed and amazed at their willingness to share such personal feelings, failures, and poor choices to their peers and even large crowds of strangers. They don’t start out with that level of transparency, but as they eventually reveal their true stories to others, they begin to find freedom from no longer carrying the dark, ugly secrets. 

This process is not easy and usually brings lots of tears. But once they release the ugliness into the atmosphere, we literally see the weight lifted as well. The secrets no longer hold power over them, which is why the process is so healing.

This steady building of integrity brings them to a place where honesty becomes a much easier way to live. It is often surprising how truthfulness takes so much less energy than covering up lies and keeping them straight. That can be exhausting. Just think of the time and energy that went into keeping two diaries that were nothing alike. And neither told the whole story so both were essentially worthless.

There is a crossing over point, so to speak, when we can tell a woman has reached a significant level of integrity in her recovery. It usually reveals itself in a confession with lots of tears.

This is how it often goes. She will probably leave a note on my desk with a heartfelt apology for breaking a rule and not respecting our program or staff by her indiscretion. She will come into my office, sit in the least comfortable chair because she thinks she deserves it, reach for a tissue or two when I hand her the box, and she will spill the beans about a rule she broke when she clearly knew better.

We will talk about all the red flags and how her behavior impacts her recovery. We may even discuss how the specific act was listed on her own plan to prevent possible relapse, and then we will talk about how to go forward. She will later dissect each step of the act with our counselor and program director to examine the thought pattern that caused her to stumble. 

But sometimes I almost have to smile privately to myself because whatever “it” was, will typically be much less severe than even the smallest crime she committed before coming to Blue Monarch. The comparison will be dramatic.  

This is such a tangible indication of how the woman's world has shifted. Her standard for honesty has changed and she desires a clean heart over a deceitful one. An act that was not even worth noting in her old life feels completely unacceptable in her new life, and she recognizes how it may lead to other poor choices if gone unchecked. Where she may have previously allowed her pride to get in the way, she will come to us for accountability, which demonstrates great humility and maturity.

It is evident the children we serve have paid close attention to their parents’ behavior. It shows in their language and actions and some things may take a while to reteach. But as our moms and kids heal and recover together, they will also pay close attention to moments like this one. The day Mommy decided to be honest will make an impression on her children because they will see the relief and freedom reflected on her face.  

Our program is lengthy with many hiccups and struggles along the way but there is a brilliant rainbow at the end of that crooked road. With every day, we get one step closer to the moment that family will look back and be proud of their journey together. They will say, "Look what we did! It was a tough one, but we did it with integrity and honesty." 

Now that I think about it, maybe it’s time to tell my mom about the real diary and stop wondering who broke the jar.  I believe that’s what the women of Blue Monarch would tell me to do.

The righteous lead blameless lives; blessed are their children after them. Proverbs 20:7 NIV