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| "I'M GOING IN!" |
Most mornings as I am leaving for work, my husband will ask, “What kind of day do you think you’re going to have today?” I typically laugh and say, “I don’t know, but I’m going in!” There’s always an image in my head of a soldier charging into battle, unsure of what he will encounter – but he’s going in anyway. The one thing I know for sure is that whatever I face, it will be intense. Good or bad, it will be intense.
Despite the heartbreaks and disappointments, there are many weeks when I feel like I have been given a front row seat at the greatest show on earth – hence, the name of my blog. Sometimes I think God hands me those times just when I need them the most. I get to see one miracle after another – things that literally take my breath away. And those are the intense moments that carry me through the darkest times. For example, here are three blessings from “The Land of Intensity” that happened just last week.
Let’s start with Angela.
Honestly, I’ll have to admit, when Angela first came to Blue Monarch, I really didn't expect her to make it. She never spoke, she carried around an angry expression that never changed, and it was clear she was simply going through the motions. “Fake it until you make it” is a common expression among those who have just arrived from jail, but Angela wasn’t even doing a good job of faking it. Just take a look at her mug shot. Honestly, I think if I found myself behind her in the checkout lane at Wal-Mart, I’d be tempted to move to another line. No offense, Angela.
Angela’s husband had recently died of an overdose. He was the father of her two young children. True, she had a lot of reasons to be angry, but I wasn’t so sure she didn’t prefer to feel that way. I once had her do a creative writing assignment that I like to use. It's a great tool to see what's going on in someone's head but it was scary in there. Angela's paper was strikingly dark and depressing. She was going to be a tough nut to crack. That is, if she even stayed.
So here we are a little over a year later. Angela is no longer that angry person. She has developed a beautiful relationship with God that has totally changed who she is, inside and out. And she has started school to be a dental assistant – in fact, she aced both her first tests! So last week, I found myself tearing up when I saw her looking so professional in her black scrubs with that amazing smile across her face. It was hard to imagine she was even the same person. She absolutely took my breath away. (I'll pause for a minute so you can look at the before and after...it's hard to stop comparing, isn't it?)
There was another moment last week that will play over and over in my head for a very long time. One of our graduates who is currently living in our WINGS Community is in the process of getting her pilot’s license. (If you haven’t read my blog post about her, I’ll put a link below.) Lauren had been a resident here years ago, got discharged for fighting, and struggled for several years. But she returned a couple of years ago with her two children and begged for another chance. I will never forget the day Lauren sat in the peach chair in my office - crying, reeking of cigarettes, overcome with anxiety, and completely broken. We took a deep breath, allowed her to come back, and she impressed us all.
Lauren was serious this time and really dug into her recovery. She worked her tail off. So, when she took my work ethics course right before graduating from our program, I could see she needed a career that would be incredibly exciting or else her short attention span might lead her back to drugs. “Have you ever thought about aviation, Lauren?”
Long story short, a supporter of ours miraculously made it possible for Lauren to learn how to fly. So, last week she was excited to fly solo over our Blue Monarch campus. It was such a thrill for me!
I ran out the door and anxiously waited for the small blue and white plane. We could hear it off in the distance, and then bam! There she was! Sam, our protective Blue Monarch dog, chased her around the property barking, and the residents cheered and waved their arms from the front yard. I, on the other hand, could live off this moment the rest of my life. Seeing Lauren fly right over my head, imagining how broken she once was, but looking at the bright future she has ahead of her…well, it was overwhelming. Yep, it was intense and completely took my breath away.
Finally, this special moment. Jessica is another one of our current graduates who came to us a couple of years ago having lost custody of her three children. I remember one of my first encounters with her. She came up to me and said, “Miss Susan, I’m going to get my kids back. I'm gonna do it, I promise!” I looked at her, and in her current state, it was a hard thing to imagine but I encouraged her anyway.
Sure enough, after much hard work and dedication, tremendous healing, and a lot of growing up, Jessica eventually regained custody of her two boys. But there was still one child she did not have back. I was with her the dreadful day an officer showed up to serve Jessica papers with shocking news. Her daughter was apparently in Florida and there was someone trying to terminate her parental rights to adopt her child. As one can imagine, Jessica was devastated. At this point the long, drawn out, complicated, gut wrenching battle began. I couldn't help but wonder how in the world Jessica would navigate such a complicated custody issue if she was not at Blue Monarch. Could she even get to Florida to show up for court?
This battle became highly emotional, very intense, and included many court appearances – even two trips to court in Florida. The painful separation from their sister caused emotional trauma for the boys, and the uncertainty of how this might turn out was stressful and agonizing for all of them. It was an enormous weight for Jessica to carry as she continued to work on her recovery and learn to trust others for help, especially when things didn't happen as quickly as she would like. Naturally, lots of regret was included in this complicated cocktail, and this only made it even more difficult. Honestly, if not for her growing faith in God, I don't know how she would have survived this experience.
But here we are, after a very long battle, and Jessica finally has all her kids back together again. I had the incredible pleasure of seeing Jessica’s reunion with her daughter after two years’ separation – and it was beautiful. They picked up right where they left off like they had never been apart. They laughed and sang “Itsy Bitsy Spider” together all the way home. (This is one thing that always amazes me. I have never seen a child who did not remember his or her mother, no matter how long the separation.)
A few hours later, Jessica’s boys got off the school bus and saw their sister again for the first time. The oldest son immediately lifted up his sister and held her in a tight bear hug. She latched onto him right away and wrapped her arms and legs around him. He just cried and cried and barely got the words out, “We’ve been waiting.” Then when she saw her other brother for the first time in what must have felt like an eternity, she ran over with excitement and yelled, “It’s still me! You know me still?!” (Is that the greatest line ever? "It's still me!")
Last week when this precious little girl came running into my office to say hello, she jumped into my lap and started telling me about all the exciting things she had done that day. Every time she does this, it takes my breath away for a minute because this was such a difficult journey for Jessica, her boys, and even our entire staff. There were many tears, endless days, and lots of prayers for this ordinary moment to even be possible.
Well, I said I had three blessings from last week, but I actually have one more thing I’d like to share.
Last week I found a hummingbird caught in a spider web. I had always wondered if they instinctively knew to stay away, but this bird was tangled in the web and hanging upside down. It was fighting to get loose but seemed to get in worse shape the more it struggled. I ran outside, knocked the web loose from the house and lowered the tiny hummingbird into my hand, just hoping I could somehow get the spider webs off without hurting it.
Much to my surprise, the hummingbird calmly settled into the palm of my hand and gently opened its wings. It laid so still I wasn’t sure if it might have died.
I began carefully pulling away the spider webs from both wings, then the tail, and then the long, pointy beak. The spider webs were very stretchy and I had to extend my arm way out to get them to break loose. Once I had removed as much as I could, the tiny bird jumped from my hand, hopped across the floor of the deck, and took off flying. It was alive and it was free! I couldn’t help but laugh at how some poor spider must have thought he had hit the mother load, and now he had to start all over. "I swear I caught the big one but it got away!"
As I watched the hummingbird fly to the treetops, I realized I was seeing the same thing I get to see at Blue Monarch all the time. The amazing and courageous women we serve must do the same thing this little hummingbird did. Just like Angela, Lauren, and Jessica, they must reach a point where they are willing to stop struggling, sit very still, and trust someone to pull the spider webs off one by one. When those chains are finally gone, they will be able to fly. I know this because I've seen it over and over. And every time it literally takes my breath away.
This morning started out like all the others. “What kind of day do you think you’re going to have today?”
“I don’t know, but I’m going in! And if I’m lucky, I’ll get to pull off some spider webs today.”
Thank you, Lord, for providing a place where women can slow down, rest, and trust you to remove the spider webs that have caused so much torment. We ask for strength to fight the battles alongside the women and children we serve, but above all, we pray that before going in, we always remember to seek your will first. Amen
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