I woke up gasping as if I was trying to breathe through a thick rag. My lungs felt strangely cold in my chest. Each inhale took in less and less air, creating an ugly, uncontrollable croaking sound.
My muscles were weak, and the beat of my heart was unusually fast, but I pulled myself to the edge of the sleeping compartment of my horse trailer and slid to the metal floor. I struggled to remain conscious as I crawled to the door in the dark. I could barely reach for the latch and as soon as the door flew open, I spilled onto the damp grass. My voice was only a whisper so calling for help was not an option.
It was as puzzling as it was frightening. What in the world was happening? All I knew was that I needed to remain calm so I could make the most of each shallow breath. I was relieved to breathe in fresh, outside air, which had never smelled so pure.
As I lay on the ground in the dark, it struck me that this incident had crossed over into a category that was so serious, it no longer mattered that people might find me in my “not for company” pajamas with no makeup. Sort of how folks appear on TV when their house is on fire in the middle of the night. They never seem to care how they look or how they are dressed. The other campers at the trail ride were asleep in their own horse trailers, totally unaware of what was happening just a few yards away, which made the whole thing even more surreal.
Slowly but surely, my breathing got stronger and deeper. My lungs felt sore and were still cold as ice. (For weeks after, the slightest effort got me completely out of breath.)
When I crawled back inside the horse trailer, it didn’t take long to find the smoking gun - a portable propane heater I had purchased to fight the 40-degree temperature. The directions clearly stated it required lots of fresh air and ventilation, but I figured the natural gaps in the metal walls provided all that was necessary, so I saw no need to crack a window. Even though the instructions clearly stated this was not enough, I was convinced I knew better than the manufacturer who made it.
As a result of my stubbornness and overconfidence, I could have died from carbon monoxide poisoning. All because I did not respect or follow the simple directions.
We occasionally see this same stubbornness and overconfidence at Blue Monarch. Despite all the warnings on the label, someone occasionally wants to leave and do it her way, even though it has never worked in the past. And no matter how many times we try, we can never scream “FIRE” loudly enough. It is difficult seeing someone we care about, step right in front of oncoming traffic despite all the warnings. “Watch out! Look where you’re going. I promise you will regret this.”
There is a common term that sounds a bit Christianese but there is great truth in it. “Living in and out of the will of God.”
One thing that continues to amaze me, is how God so beautifully blesses the women of Blue Monarch when they surrender to him and walk in his will. Honestly, it still shocks me even though I have been watching this play out since 2003. For instance, there was a woman one year who had an extremely difficult custody case in East Tennessee that seemed to drag on for months. Her situation looked impossible. This mother suffered every day - not knowing if her son was okay, not being able to see him, having no way to communicate with him because the child’s father refused to answer the phone. It was impossible to serve papers on the dad to appear in court because his buddies at the sheriff’s department somehow never found him at home.
But through her pain, this mother eventually turned to God, dug into her Bible, prayed her little heart out, cried a million tears, and lifted her wounded heart and child to Jesus. Soon after that, we discovered we had a very random, unexpected connection with a wildlife officer way over in East Tennessee who was able to find the father right away because he was a hunter. Within just a few short weeks she was reunited with her child. On this boy’s first night at Blue Monarch, he and his mother had a picnic supper in the front yard. I still remember backing out of the parking lot just in time to see the two of them on a quilt in the grass, laughing and playing - something they had not been able to do in eighteen months.
Amazing blessings like this happen for the moms at Blue Monarch who trust God and walk in his will for their lives - even when it is the most difficult thing they have ever done and goes against everything familiar. God truly blesses the choices they make, and things start falling into place - things that otherwise seem impossible. In fact, we even see medical test results reverse in a way that can only be explained as miraculous. (This actually happened twice this week!) Or complicated criminal charges unexpectedly drop, or extensive fines get completely forgiven. I love for things like this to happen because it gets their attention in a way nothing else does. It usually starts with, “Guess what, Miss Susan! You’re not going to believe this!” They are quick to give God the glory, even when their faith is quite new. I suspect this puts a big smile on Jesus’ face. He may even say under his breath, “see, I told you.”
But there is a flip side to this as well. The one who walks outside the will of God often experiences something quite different and it is an awful thing to watch from the sidelines. That path can be very steep, and it tends to come with self-inflicted pain and loss, even though it always looks intoxicating in the beginning. “It’ll be okay. I promise, I know what I’m doing.” I am not referring to the one who decides Blue Monarch is not a good fit and moves on. I am talking about the one who walks away and picks up where she left off thinking it will end differently this time. Or she uses that as her starting point and then sprinkles a few more poor choices on top. I often wonder if there is a day when she realizes her world has become increasingly darker than it was the day before. Does the downfall happen so gradually she doesn’t notice until the light is completely gone? Does she slowly lose oxygen until she suddenly discovers she is suffocating?
I do not believe things spiral out of control because God is punishing her, even if he uses those opportunities to teach some really great lessons. She actually has free will to make those choices, which is oddly a gift from God, himself, but those actions sometimes cause chaos and even regret when she realizes what she has lost. It is a sad thing to watch, and we feel helpless to stop the inevitable train wreck - especially when there are innocent children involved. Truth is, I have yet to see a homemade path that even comes close to the one God has in mind. So why do we ever insist on settling for less? Why would we ever think we know better the creator who made us?
God truly wants to bless us. He wants to give us the desires of our heart. And that is the key - when our heart’s desire is the same as his.
It’s pretty simple, actually. We just need to follow the simple directions God has graciously given us and we may not have to go through the ugly part where we find ourselves in the dark, weak and gasping for breath - perhaps even risking our lives. As much as it hurts to sometimes see a woman of Blue Monarch take a path we know she will regret, we must pray for her safety as she travels the treacherous road she has chosen and be ready to take that call when she has the courage to reach out. Thankfully, history has proven there is a good chance she will.
*****
Well, that was incredible timing. Just got a message from a woman who has been on a dangerous path for a while now, and it sounds like she may be ready to rethink those directions. Holy cow, I hope she’s serious. She will not believe how great it feels to breathe again.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10
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