"Your grandma's in jail this Thanksgiving."

Last week I was about to leave my office for the day when I found one of our residents crying hysterically on the phone. In the lives of the women we serve, this could mean just about anything. I immediately reflected on all the times I have witnessed this scene through the years. My word, how many of our moms have gotten bad news while they were with us? Children's fathers who have overdosed, parents who have died unexpectedly, friends who have gone missing. Even an occasional homocide.

Turns out, Andrea had just learned that her grandfather, the only stable and healthy support system in her life, had died suddenly. But what made it even more tragic was that he had passed away three weeks earlier and she had no idea. How could this happen? Well, unfortunately, there was no one capable or sober enough to let her know. 
 
Andrea’s heart was broken and the expression on her face showed how crushed she was. At this point I’m sure she felt completely abandoned. Her Blue Monarch family rallied around her, and in that moment, Andrea probably believed we were the only family she had left.
 
We deal with complicated family issues every single day at Blue Monarch, but naturally, the holidays highlight them in new and unexpected ways. 
 
I often feel that our moms play a constant game of musical chairs with their family members. “Who’s in charge here?” The grandmother may be the matriarch presiding over Thanksgiving one year, but sitting in jail the next year. For some of our ladies, any one of their siblings, cousins, aunts, or uncles could be in jail on any given day. Even Grandma.
 

Just like musical chairs, the family roles can switch places every time the music stops. Some of the kids who show up at our door have been taking care of their moms and solving big grownup problems, so they feel like they are the parents. Perhaps the moms have been behaving more like the children. With loads of time, patience, and many ups and downs, we do see them settle into their appropriate roles, but it's quite a struggle while they fight over the same chair.
 
At the same time, the ground beneath the family outside of Blue Monarch is shifting as well. As the woman we serve gets sober, healthier, and more mature, her family members don’t know where they fit in. Perhaps the parent who was the rescuer is no longer needed in that way, or the sibling who looked great in comparison no longer shines as bright. “Who’s in my chair? Move over!”

Occasionally, there is another dimension to this shift that is not so obvious. As our moms become healthier parents to their children, we often see them act like parents toward their own mothers and fathers at the same time, but not because of their ages. How many times have I heard a resident talk to a mom or dad in jail, who is still struggling with addiction or criminal behavior, offering advice she wishes she had gotten as a child? It’s so complicated.

So, basically we have a woman still longing for a childhood she never had, who never observed healthy parenting growing up, and yet she's trying to be the best mother she can to children and parents at the same time. Just imagine how overwhelming that must feel. No doubt, it's a tough place to be and there's no textbook for that. Thankfully, that's where the incredible Blue Monarch team steps in to walk alongside her through this uncharted territory.
 
This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the beautiful gift Blue Monarch offers for healing and restoration, and I say a special prayer for our courageous moms as they settle into their new seats at the table. May they find peace in who they have become, wisdom to lead their children well, and strength to nurture their new family trees.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7