From my front row seat

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

"I'm trying to do the Lord's work, (bad word)!"

In the beginning of my Blue Monarch journey, I was on a pretty exciting and totally unpredictable roller coaster ride.  Seemed like I would begin every day with a question and before the day was out a perfect stranger would give me the answer or it would suddenly show up out of nowhere.  Money came in from unexpected places.  Miracles were around every corner and rainbows filled my days.  It was great!  This "doing the Lord's work" was awesome.

But as time went by I became overwhelmed with the enormity of my responsibility to raise the money we needed to operate.  I hired people with the disclaimer up front that they may be laid off any day - only to lay them off two weeks later because we didn't have the funds to pay them.  I remember one year going door to door to raise enough money to pay our tiny staff.  The pressure was awful.  
I vividly remember eating lunch one day, looking at all the women and children around the table and wondering to myself, “where are they going to go if we can’t pay the electric bill?”  It was agonizing.

There were many days I was angry that God had given me this difficult assignment and actually felt it was more of a punishment than a blessing.  I sometimes felt like saying, “Get out of my way!  I’m trying to do the Lord’s work, (bad word)!”

One day I was at home having one of those angry conversations with God – the kind where you’re screaming and crying – the kind you hopefully have in the privacy of your own home.  "WHY DID YOU ASK ME TO DO THIS IF YOU WEREN'T GOING TO GIVE ME THE TOOLS TO MAKE IT HAPPEN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" 

Then suddenly I heard God speak to me.  He said, "YOU are the one who makes it so hard - by not trusting me."  Hmmm... 
That stopped me in my tracks.  I began to consider this and realized I had been trying to do it all on my own.  No wonder it was so flippin’ hard!  I had not trusted God.  I had taken on the entire responsibility myself and foolishly thought I could do it alone. 

At that point I began learning to rely on God for direction.  I started every day with a trust fall that was not easy, but it did become easier as time went on.  What I discovered was that when I truly trusted God, things turned out better than I could have planned myself, and guess what - money began to come in from places I never imagined. 

I finally realized that God had not asked me to do this as punishment.  He had actually given me a priceless gift and beautiful blessing.  I had been offered the amazing privilege of seeing His tremendous work in the lives of the women and children we served and all I had done was agonize over the difficulty of it. 

As my faith grew stronger, not only did I personally develop a joy unlike any I had ever experienced, I began to really see the joy in the faces of the people who came to us for help, despite the fact their problems were much bigger than my own. 

There was the young woman who delighted in feeling snowflakes on her face because the last time it had snowed, she watched it from her jail cell window feeling hopeless and lost.

I saw a mother overcome with joy for her healthy baby that was not born addicted to drugs. 


And I watched countless children show great joy over playing with our farm animals when just a few weeks before they were struggling with some pretty painful problems.

Truth is, joy is everywhere and at Blue Monarch you don’t have to look far to find it.  I’m just grateful for a loving, faithful, and patient God who gave me time to finally experience the great joy He wanted for me all along. 

I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.  Until now you have not asked for anything in my name.  Ask and you will receive and your joy will be complete.  John 16: 23-24