It was in the beginning years when I wore nearly every hat, and I was desperate for help. There were a number of nights when I jumped out of bed at 2:00 in the morning and rushed down to Blue Monarch because someone had activated a panic button. Or even worse, the silent hold-up alarm, which would get pushed over and over - you guessed it, because it was silent. The alarm company had no details, so my mind would imagine all kinds of disasters on my 45-minute drive, which felt like an eternity. Nearly every time, there was no true emergency, but for lack of a better system, and lack of adequate staff, I had no choice but to check it out myself just in case. After a rash of these incidents and lots of lost sleep, a missionary couple approached me about a live-in position and from their resumes, they looked ideal, an answered prayer.
When they walked in for the interview, I immediately noticed the man’s silver belt buckle, which formed an ornate butterfly. My immediate, knee-jerk reaction was to say under my breath, “well, that’s rather clever, Satan.” I knew in my heart this was just a trick to mislead me, so what did I do? I hired them. It was crazy. Everyone else saw the belt buckle as “a sign” from God but because I was so desperate for help, I ignored my gut, listened to others, and hired the couple anyway.
Well, you can guess the outcome. It was a disaster and the man with the butterfly belt buckle ended up in jail, for fraud committed elsewhere, about a year after I fired him.
When I look back at the lowest points in my Blue Monarch journey, I cannot deny the obvious. There is definitely a theme that ties those experiences together. Every single time we suffered as an organization, or I suffered as a leader, it was because I let down my guard and failed as the gatekeeper. Being in a state of desperation and exhaustion only causes us to ignore the “warning, warning!” in our ear, and it is the absolute worst time to make a major decision.
When other similar ministries visit with us to pick our brains, I always warn the leader, “you’re most important job is to be the gatekeeper.” I then proceed to give examples of all the times I allowed the wrong people to come through the door, which caused negativity, division, and even chaos. Oddly enough, these things never came from the population we served. It was always those who had been given positions of authority. And many times, it was because I settled for less, believing I could not find better. In other words, I did not have the patience to wait on God for the right people.
I have discovered the role as gatekeeper extends way beyond just finding the best board members or hiring the most appropriate individuals. It has also become very clear to me that we are just as responsible for guarding the minds and hearts of the vulnerable women and children we serve. We have a duty to protect them. They trust us with their lives.
Let me tell you about one example - and I will give you heads up. It ventures into an area that is a little supernatural and may include information you will wish you could unhear.
Our policies are constantly evolving, and the list gets longer and longer - every single rule is the result of a bad experience. For instance, there was a day when I pulled up at Blue Monarch and found all the women and children on the roof. Turns out, “it was such a great place to think.” Who knew? Well, there’s a new rule. #32: no climbing out on the roof.
But one day, many years ago, I discovered we needed another rule regarding books and movies. Apparently, this was an area we had overlooked and as a result, there were hundreds of inappropriate books and very scary, disturbing, X-rated, and even un-rated movies that had somehow found their way into our houses. I realize at this point I am running the risk of sounding like a prude, but none of what we found was something our children needed to be exposed to, and they didn’t offer anything positive for the women either. In fact, our residents admitted the books and movies immediately took them back to another place and time - the very ones they came to Blue Monarch to escape.
I was especially disturbed to learn that a specific woman (we will call her Kellie) had been allowed to collect numerous books about real-life serial killers. Apparently, a staff member, who no longer works with us, had allowed her to do so because she thought it was therapeutic to encourage something this woman found “stimulating.” Well, I thought this was outrageous.
Kellie suffered from severe PTSD. As a young child she witnessed the sacrifice of another child, her same age, during a satanic ritual. Can you imagine? (I will spare you any more details.) The trauma from that was overwhelming, was forever burned into her memory, and it would take nothing less than God’s tremendous power of healing to overcome such a horrific experience. How were we helping her by filling her mind with dark, detailed, disturbing stories about murderers? What in the world? (The family member who exposed her to this atrocity had already died, so I was denied the pleasure of pursuing criminal charges.)
When they walked in for the interview, I immediately noticed the man’s silver belt buckle, which formed an ornate butterfly. My immediate, knee-jerk reaction was to say under my breath, “well, that’s rather clever, Satan.” I knew in my heart this was just a trick to mislead me, so what did I do? I hired them. It was crazy. Everyone else saw the belt buckle as “a sign” from God but because I was so desperate for help, I ignored my gut, listened to others, and hired the couple anyway.
Well, you can guess the outcome. It was a disaster and the man with the butterfly belt buckle ended up in jail, for fraud committed elsewhere, about a year after I fired him.
When I look back at the lowest points in my Blue Monarch journey, I cannot deny the obvious. There is definitely a theme that ties those experiences together. Every single time we suffered as an organization, or I suffered as a leader, it was because I let down my guard and failed as the gatekeeper. Being in a state of desperation and exhaustion only causes us to ignore the “warning, warning!” in our ear, and it is the absolute worst time to make a major decision.
When other similar ministries visit with us to pick our brains, I always warn the leader, “you’re most important job is to be the gatekeeper.” I then proceed to give examples of all the times I allowed the wrong people to come through the door, which caused negativity, division, and even chaos. Oddly enough, these things never came from the population we served. It was always those who had been given positions of authority. And many times, it was because I settled for less, believing I could not find better. In other words, I did not have the patience to wait on God for the right people.
I have discovered the role as gatekeeper extends way beyond just finding the best board members or hiring the most appropriate individuals. It has also become very clear to me that we are just as responsible for guarding the minds and hearts of the vulnerable women and children we serve. We have a duty to protect them. They trust us with their lives.
Let me tell you about one example - and I will give you heads up. It ventures into an area that is a little supernatural and may include information you will wish you could unhear.
Our policies are constantly evolving, and the list gets longer and longer - every single rule is the result of a bad experience. For instance, there was a day when I pulled up at Blue Monarch and found all the women and children on the roof. Turns out, “it was such a great place to think.” Who knew? Well, there’s a new rule. #32: no climbing out on the roof.
But one day, many years ago, I discovered we needed another rule regarding books and movies. Apparently, this was an area we had overlooked and as a result, there were hundreds of inappropriate books and very scary, disturbing, X-rated, and even un-rated movies that had somehow found their way into our houses. I realize at this point I am running the risk of sounding like a prude, but none of what we found was something our children needed to be exposed to, and they didn’t offer anything positive for the women either. In fact, our residents admitted the books and movies immediately took them back to another place and time - the very ones they came to Blue Monarch to escape.
I was especially disturbed to learn that a specific woman (we will call her Kellie) had been allowed to collect numerous books about real-life serial killers. Apparently, a staff member, who no longer works with us, had allowed her to do so because she thought it was therapeutic to encourage something this woman found “stimulating.” Well, I thought this was outrageous.
Kellie suffered from severe PTSD. As a young child she witnessed the sacrifice of another child, her same age, during a satanic ritual. Can you imagine? (I will spare you any more details.) The trauma from that was overwhelming, was forever burned into her memory, and it would take nothing less than God’s tremendous power of healing to overcome such a horrific experience. How were we helping her by filling her mind with dark, detailed, disturbing stories about murderers? What in the world? (The family member who exposed her to this atrocity had already died, so I was denied the pleasure of pursuing criminal charges.)
That's what I wanted for Kellie, but we let her down by allowing even more darkness and fear to fill her head with grotesque stories to dwell on and dream about - didn’t she have enough of that already? So, after apologizing to this young woman, we did a complete overhaul of all the books and movies on the property. Sadly, our confiscated bounty filled an enormous box. I put the box in the trunk of my car and planned to burn it all when I got home.
My husband, Clay, made a good point, though. It would make a sticky mess with all the plastic, so I agreed to find a convenience center on my way to a meeting in Nashville the following day.
Well, I attempted four different convenience centers along my route, and all were closed. Therefore, I still had the disgusting books and movies in my car when I stopped at a congested, very large intersection in Nashville. This is where it gets a little weird.
As I was sitting still at the red light, I suddenly noticed up in the sky, an enormous, larger-than-life-sized, solid black bird, making a nosedive straight toward my windshield like a speeding torpedo. It looked about the size of a large pelican and was some kind of bird I had never seen before. Out of instinct I ducked, just in time to see the strange creature violently bust a hole in my windshield with its beak and bounce off out of sight. I tried to see where it landed but couldn’t find it.
I looked around at all the other drivers, assuming they would be just as shocked as I was, and even imagined we would collectively just sit through the next light to process it all. I expected some nice man to jump out of his car and come running to my rescue asking, “are you okay?” But much to my surprise, everyone seemed strangely unaware as if the entire experience was only visible to me. How in the world could they have missed what just happened?
My windshield was shattered and had a hole about the size of a golf ball. I immediately thought about the contraband I was carrying in the trunk of my car, pulled over at the first place I found, and with an apology under my breath, discreetly dumped the box in a dumpster behind a liquor store.
I don’t think we can ever underestimate the risk we take when we open that gate and allow harmful, destructive people or influences to enter in. I rebelled kind of late and was in my thirties when I made some of the worst choices in my life. I was shocked that lightning didn’t strike when I did things that I knew I shouldn’t and let people into my life I knew were not good. Honestly, I remember feeling like I had been gypped because I could have been a rule breaker my whole life if I had known nothing would happen. But the truth is, lightning doesn’t always strike with an immediate bang. Sometimes it comes in little bits and pieces, and even rears its ugly head years later.
We must put more value on the gate that we guard for ourselves and for others. In many ways, it is a barrier between life and death, between happiness and torment, or peace and fear. So, when someone or something knocks at that gate, perhaps with great discernment and prayer, our question needs to be, “do you bring light - or do you bring darkness?” It’s really that easy. And we shouldn’t be afraid to use the key.
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:8-11
My husband, Clay, made a good point, though. It would make a sticky mess with all the plastic, so I agreed to find a convenience center on my way to a meeting in Nashville the following day.
Well, I attempted four different convenience centers along my route, and all were closed. Therefore, I still had the disgusting books and movies in my car when I stopped at a congested, very large intersection in Nashville. This is where it gets a little weird.
As I was sitting still at the red light, I suddenly noticed up in the sky, an enormous, larger-than-life-sized, solid black bird, making a nosedive straight toward my windshield like a speeding torpedo. It looked about the size of a large pelican and was some kind of bird I had never seen before. Out of instinct I ducked, just in time to see the strange creature violently bust a hole in my windshield with its beak and bounce off out of sight. I tried to see where it landed but couldn’t find it.
I looked around at all the other drivers, assuming they would be just as shocked as I was, and even imagined we would collectively just sit through the next light to process it all. I expected some nice man to jump out of his car and come running to my rescue asking, “are you okay?” But much to my surprise, everyone seemed strangely unaware as if the entire experience was only visible to me. How in the world could they have missed what just happened?
My windshield was shattered and had a hole about the size of a golf ball. I immediately thought about the contraband I was carrying in the trunk of my car, pulled over at the first place I found, and with an apology under my breath, discreetly dumped the box in a dumpster behind a liquor store.
I don’t think we can ever underestimate the risk we take when we open that gate and allow harmful, destructive people or influences to enter in. I rebelled kind of late and was in my thirties when I made some of the worst choices in my life. I was shocked that lightning didn’t strike when I did things that I knew I shouldn’t and let people into my life I knew were not good. Honestly, I remember feeling like I had been gypped because I could have been a rule breaker my whole life if I had known nothing would happen. But the truth is, lightning doesn’t always strike with an immediate bang. Sometimes it comes in little bits and pieces, and even rears its ugly head years later.
We must put more value on the gate that we guard for ourselves and for others. In many ways, it is a barrier between life and death, between happiness and torment, or peace and fear. So, when someone or something knocks at that gate, perhaps with great discernment and prayer, our question needs to be, “do you bring light - or do you bring darkness?” It’s really that easy. And we shouldn’t be afraid to use the key.
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:8-11
